Shop Lift My Fancy Zip-Coded Heart!

February 21, 2015

 

This week's recap is brought to you by Beverly Hills, 9021-Whoa!'s first guest contributor, Sarah Irving! Sarah is a stand-up comedian, mom, and all around Lisa Loeb lovin' gal. Stay tuned for more from this funny lady. 

 

Episode 3: 

 

The episode begins with Brenda modeling a floppy black hat and a ghastly colored scarf, while practicing a speech she plans to give her mom.  Brandon is lying on Brenda’s bed, with a book over his face, most likely to block the whiteness beaming from Brenda’s scoop-necked top and scrunchy socks.  Brenda has a desire to go on an over night trip involving horses, and is afraid Cindy won’t let her go.  I was excited that she was practicing this speech, because I thought it was actually a cover up story for something really dope she was going to be doing that night instead, but unfortunately she really did just want to ride horses.  Brandon persuades her to bring up her love of nature and good times in Minnesota in order to tug at Cindy’s stretchy heart strings.  Brandon always knows best, what would she do without him?  “Milk that mother nature stuff, “says Brandon.  Um Gross. “Whatever you do, Brenda,  do not talk about Money!” Brandon insists.

 

Scene change: the Walsh’s front yard.  Cindy is gardening elbow deep in California dirt, rejecting Brenda’s request for the horse escapade. “Sorry honey, but $120 is too much to spend on a twilight horseback ride.”  If only Brenda would have stopped there.  Her mom’s quick rejection launches Brenda into a rant about how she doesn’t have anything, “like, no clothes,”  Cindy’s not as dumb as her triple-pleated mom pants though, “Um it would appear to me what you have on are considered clothes, Brenda.” Snap, Cindy, way to let that ungrateful bitch know who is boss.  Brandon hurdles over the porch, breaks up the squabble, and informs Brenda they will be late if she doesn’t stop bitching about everything.

 

After the kids scamper off to school, Cindy is rudely interrupted by a Spanish speaking, side pony tail wearing maid, named Anna.  With the help of Cindy’s usage of hand gestures and her ability to speak louder, she informs Side Pony Anna that she has no need for a maid.  Cindy has nothing else to do all day, I mean really, no friends, no life, no hobbies, but watering the plants.  Anna is persistent and despite Cindy’s lack of social life and need for Anna, she refuses to leave the property.  I hope Cindy doesn’t have to call the authorities on this one.

 

The following scene we immediately see that Brenda is a nosey skank, listening in on a conversation between Kelly and another West Beverly tramp.  Brenda is super jealous.  Who is this girl?  Brenda learns from a girl leaning on a locker, that Kelly and this girl “ Tiffany” are ex best friends.  So many questions are racing through Brenda’s mind right now, as you can tell by the blank stare on her face.  What will come of this?

 

Back at the Walsh house we see Anna cleaning her ass off in the kitchen while Cindy is wrapped up in a telephone cord, yapping to Jim.  Jim is confused as to why Cindy allowed a non English speaking lady in the house?!  Had Cindy been day drinking? Oh whoops, his bad, Jim remembers he had hired this lady to help Cindy out around the house.  Cindy gets pissed, how dare someone help her around their house, what an asshole he is!  Jim shakes his head, luckily the Walsh’s phone cuts out, and Jim is temporarily off the hook….for now.

 

We are now teleported to Brenda and Kelly’s English classroom at West Beverly High.  Kelly and Tiffany are screwing around while their teacher is trying to explain the premise of “Les Miserables.”  For some reason she lets Kelly and Tiffany be assholes the whole time.  I can only assume this is because she is sleeping with Tiffany’s dad, but maybe we will find out more info later.  The concept of stealing is addressed, as it relates to the book.  Brenda chases after Tiffany and Kelly, like a loser, after class.  Andrea is seen skipping down the hallway, where she finds Brandon at the job postings board.  He explains his need for money so he can pay for his car insurance, and Andrea giggles like the school girl she is, in awe of Brandon’s aspirations.  We now see a montage of city life scenes intertwined with shots of Brandon’s disgruntled face, as he scours this new zip code for work.   Luckily, at the end of a long day, Brandon finally lands a job, working in a restaurant, for an over-permed nazi bitch.

 

Meanwhile, Brenda, Tiffany, Kelly, Steve, and David Silver, are scene picking over horrible clothes in a trendy Beverly Hills boutique.  Brenda learns from another girl at the store, that Tiffany and Kelly had a “nuclear fall out” over Steve, and had only recently made amends.  Brenda’s bushy eyebrows raise, she needs to know more about this Tiffany broad.  Kelly throws Brenda a nasty blouse, insisting she needs to try it on because it is 100% silk, opposed to the 100% rayon she is currently wearing, I guess.  While in the changing room, Brenda digs deep, and asks Kelly and Tiffany, if they think one decision or event can change their life?  Brenda has been contemplating this mind fuck, since their English teacher assigned them this question for their paper, due Monday.  Kelly and Tiffany think Brenda is getting a little too serious for the dressing room.  Brenda doesn’t realize she is a super buzz kill, and this is why she is having a hard time fitting in this fun time town. Luckily, Brenda decides against buying the 100% silk tops, realizing she can’t even afford one of the buttons on it.  While Kelly is purchasing five hideous things she tried on, Tiffany slips some even more atrocious blouses in her purse!  Without paying!!!  Hold up, this is crazy! Why would she do that, she is loaded?  Hopefully, Tiffany can explain herself in the upcoming scenes.

 

It’s morning at the Walsh’s casa.  Anna,the maid, is back making Cindy’s life a living hell by cleaning the house.  Cindy is shown fumbling on the phone, bitching out Jim once again for sending the help to their house.  Jim is busy shuffling papers at his desk, and doesn’t have time to listen to Cindy’s nonsense, thank God.  The Walsh’s phone cuts out again!!  Cindy is pissed, they have a maid and they don’t even have a God damn telephone that works.  This town is bullshit!  

 

We then pan to see the crew walking the halls at West Beverly.  Brandon is busy bragging to Steve about his new job.  Steve thinks that Brandon’s new boss might have other motives, like to get Brandon’s sweet innocent ass in the sack.  “I’m a waiter not a lover,” Brandon says coyly.  Ain’t that the truth, B-dog.  Kelly and Tiffany are reminiscing as they walk into English class about some boy they both made out with, oh the memories.   Brenda asks some moral question to the teacher, and even the teacher thinks Brenda needs to calm the hell down about this stupid English paper she has assigned.

 

Anna is at it again, polishing the Walsh’s silver, and Cindy couldn’t be more annoyed at the bitch.  Cindy offers her some coffee; Anna tastes it and is clearly disgusted.  Cindy can’t even make a damn pot of coffee!  What exactly can she do?

David Silver is seen carrying a video camera, the size of a cannon, trying to get footage of Brenda, Tiffany and Kelly.  Tiffany gives him a show, and takes her shirt off.  Shockingly, David doesn’t drop the camera after experiencing what was probably his first boner.  Brenda is disgusted by Tiffany.  Kelly is annoyed, but is used to Tiff’s antics, admitting that “she isn’t always so dope.” Tiffany wants Brenda to hang with her at Nitro, and Brenda is all over it.  Maybe she can figure this Tiffany girl out, finally!!

 

Brenda and Tiff stop at the house before hitting Nitro, Tiffany mumbles something about her mom never being around, and some other boring stuff.  Tiffany asks Brenda if she can stash some stuff in her room?  Heroin, coke? No, even worse, those ugly blouses she stole from the boutique.  Brenda is too busy reading a magazine to notice what Tiff is up to.  

 

Brandon shows up early to his new job, and is immediately thrown into the rough life of the restaurant.  Nazi boss says, “let me see your hands, oh good, I need them to get into tight spaces.”  Uh what? Maybe Steve was right about this broad.  Brandon slaves over refilling cumin shakers, wondering what he has gotten himself into.  Brandon soon realizes he has been royally screwed, and won’t even be getting tips for this job.  The kitchen crew guys tell him to get used to it, but the look on Brandon’s face says, “Oh hell no, not for this Minnesota twin.”

 

Brenda eyes some more 100% silk vests, and Tiffany asks Brenda to get a larger size for some God Awful skort she is interested in.  Brenda asks the sales lady for the bigger skort, and Tiffany tucks some clothes into her bag….again!! This isn’t the sales lady’s first rodeo on Rodeo, she busts Tiffany and throws Brenda in the store closet with her, as an accomplice.  Holy hell , you guys, Brenda is going to lose her shit.

 

Meanwhile, back at the Walsh residence, we can barely see what is going on due to Cindy’s long denim skirt, taking up most of the screen.  She is awkwardly laying on the couch next to Jim, reading a letter from a friend back in Minnesota, most likely her only friend.  It looks like Jim and Cindy are drinking some brown liquor, but unfortunately it is only iced tea.  Iced tea at night?? Are they crazy or what?  Cindy confides in Jim that she is worried about Brenda’s new friend, Tifffany, “ she had shifty eyes.”  Jim laughs it off, he doesn’t give a shit, he is too busy working to care anymore.

 

Brandon rolls on in from a busy night in the kitchen, and he is “burnt.”  Jim and Cindy are busy being proud of Brandon, when the store owner calls the house.  Brenda was caught shoplifting.  Jim immediately blames Cindy, as he should.  Brandon tells them to keep the faith and wait until they hear the whole story.  While the Walsh’s are on their way to bail Brenda out of the store’s back closet, Tiffany buys her way out this mess.  She pays for everything she stole and all is right in Beverly Hills, except for in the hearts of Cindy and Jim.  Jim is quick to forgive and listen to Brenda’s story, but Cindy is a stubborn bitch, and pisssed that she had to leave the house, right when Jim was about to crawl his way up her denim skirt.

 

The next morning we see Jim and Cindy power walking through their neighborhood, and it is not a pretty site.  Cindy is still hung up about Brenda’s shop lifiting, the night before.  Thankfully her incessant talking is interrupted by none other than Anna! Anna  runs up and gives Cindy and Jim and casserole dish.  This bitch has crossed the line; she cleans AND cooks for them!? Jim and Cindy begrudgingly take her dish, weary of what spices it might be laden with.  They never had spices back in Minnesota.

 

Brenda is shown talking on the phone with Kelly, while painting her hammer toes.  Kelly admits that she knew Tiff had some clepto tendencies, but thought she was over that phase.  Tiffany tried to steal Steve from Kelly too, which is what ultimately ended their friendship before.  The phones go dead again, Jesus Christ.  Brenda gets a pep talk from Brandon.  Brandon explains he sees injustice too at the restaurant; this town is crawling with corruption that the twins must solve.  

 

Next we see Anna doing more asinine things like the laundry in the Walsh’s house.  Non-speaking English Anna, all of the sudden is able to say, “You want me to wash this too?” While holding a basket of clothes Tiffany had left in Brenda’s closet.  Cindy rages at Brenda’s lies.   Brenda fake cries and tells her mom that if her mom really knew her, she would know there was no way she would be capable of stealing those nasty blouses.  Brenda and Cindy almost throw punches, but Brenda is unable, due to the over sized sweatshirt she is wearing, and stomps away.

 

Brenda confronts Tiffany at her mansion.  Tiffany is busy trying to sun tan while balancing on a diving board.  Tiffany blames lack of love from her parents on her shoplifting habits, and Brenda isn’t “buying” it either!!  Brenda leaves, pissed that Tiffany doesn’t even care that Cindy is being a bitch about this whole shoplifting thing.

 

Brandon is busy bussing tables, getting bossed around, when my savior, Dylan shows up for some grub.  Brandon quickly learns from the other non Caucasian help, that they don’t even make minimum wage!  Brandon makes minimum wage, but not these other guys?! This sets Brandon into a fit of rage.  Bradnon informs his boss that he is an investigative reporter for the West Beverly Hills High School Newspaper, and she should fear him.  He could easily expose her sweat shop, so she better change her crazy ways.  Dylan and Brandon decide to evacuate the premises.  Dylan takes Brandon to the one and only Peach Pit!  Brandon immediately falls in love with Nat, the owner, and dives behind the table to start working for him.  Match made in diner heaven.

 

Tiffany develops half of a conscious and stops over at the Walsh’s house, to pick up the stolen goods.  Cindy and Tiffany have a heart to heart and Cindy feels blessed, realizing her kids aren’t as fucked up as Tiffany.  Brenda watches Tiffany take the blame, and grins, hoping her mom feels like an asshole for thinking she could have ever stolen anything.

The episode closes with the Walsh family eating Anna’s casserole; most likely they all darted to the toilet shortly there after.  All is well once again in the Walsh abode!

 

**More on Sarah Irving, check her out here: 

 

 

 

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