Sashay! Jackie (Taylor)!

April 25, 2015

Whoa lordy, is the season 1, episode 7 recap big. It's so big it's whatever 500 8-balls of coke would be if you add them and then multiply them and then maybe square them. This episode recap is primarly brought to you by the Beverly Beat's official Fashion contributor, Julie Kent-Ransom with musings from a couple of other contributors you haven't heard from yet including Karrin Farrenkopf and Chrissy Namanny as well as previous contributor, Lia Berman. I, LeeAnn Yops, will mostly be sunning myself drinking Malibu-flavored dranks while muttering a few things under my twatty-girl drank breath. 

 

Perfect Mom:

 

Yo Yo YO, look sharp ladies <the episode begins>. Only two more days to sign you and your momma up for the West Beverly Mother-Daughter fashion show. 

 

*Guest contributor, Karrin thinks a Ratt song opens this episode up. BH9021-Whoa! Founder, LeeAnn wasted a Google search to see if this is true and found nothing. 

 

 

Meanwhile, at the student newspaper’s weekly staff meeting, Andrea Zuckerman is sore because she doesn’t have a mom, or something, and nobody likes her anyway.

 

Brandon pulls her aside and heckles her for being poor, frumpy.  “Geez Andrea, maybe if you didn’t dress like my Grandma from Minneapolis’ puke colored chenille bathmat, you could get lai…..”

 

“STOP editorializing my cardigan, Brandon.”

 

 

David takes some creep video of his (spoiler!) future sister. Makes creep plan to smuggle massive camcorder into the dressing room at the fashion show.

 

*Editor's note: sweet Topsy Tail, Donna.

 

Whatever. The rest is irrelevant. Let’s talk about Jackie Taylor. 

 

 

Jackie Taylor is a woman who:

  • Loves fringe, gold lame, cocaine

  • Is approximately the same age as me (Reminder: Julie)

  • MC’s the annual West Beverly Mother-Daughter fashion show

  • “Sometimes feels like a fashion addict.” (And other times, a cocaine addict)

  • Likes day drinking with her lady raisinette friend 

 She really has it all. Until, uh – oh. Trouble at home. 

 

 

Don breaks up with her. He wants to see other women, younger ones.

 

Why?

 

 Back at the Walsh family ranch, Brenda blasts the crotch out of her jeans, practically shorting her pants. Cindy disapproves of her fashion and microwave popcorn-only dinner. 

 

 

Brandon rocks the mock turtleneck that rocks the body.

 

Now… more importantly, back to Jackie Taylor…. 

 

 Jackie Taylor is a woman who lounges face down. RIGHT BEFORE THE FASHION SHOW.

 

*Editor's note: You see, her life is falling apart and she is supposed to host a fashion show! A Mother-Daughter fashion show that Brenda didn't invite her own mom, Cindy to because Cindy doesn't own floral leggings only cob-web leggings between her twatty legs.

 

*Note from Karrin: She thinks Jackie Taylor is wearing G.A.S.S. shoes in this scene (not shown in picture), the shoe choice of druggies.

 

 Kelley smells trouble and calls the Raisinette to score a sack of blow. 

 

*Editor's note: it should be noted that Jackie is also a drunk because Kelly smelled her ass and her glass with her "corrected nose" that now has a more acute sense of scent.

 

*Note from guest contributor, Chrissy: When Jackie comes in still wearing her party clothes from the night before, black eyeliner halfway down her cheeks?  Reminds me of more than a few nights in my 20s (and 30s- don’t you judge me). When I first saw this episode, I would have been about 12 or 13 and the idea of that a PARENT would DRINK ALCOHOL was SHOCKING!  My family weren’t big drinkers, so when I saw my friend’s parent’s drinking I was convinced they were alcoholics.  My point is, young Chrissy didn’t realize how that parents could drink and NOT be an alcoholic.  Adult Chrissy now realizes that parents HAVE to drink to deal with children.  Maybe just stay off the coke, Jackie. 

 

 What is this complex at home media system?

 

 LAY OFF ME

 

 

All models do coke! 

 

*P.S.A. from Chrissy: Don't do coke. Why? Coke scares the SHIT out of her because of the Sweet Valley High book where Regina did coke ONE time and it turns out she had a heart murmur no one knew about and she dropped dead.  To this day, she is convinced that something similar would happen to her if she ever got the great idea to try cocaine.  She also doesn’t get the appeal of snorting shit up your nose; she has horrible allergies and she can barely handle Flonase. 

 

Back to the recap:

 

 Brenda and Cindy, dressed as a couple of second-hand Vanna Whites, eagerly await Kelly and Jackie’s arrival. 

 

 

 

Andrea wears crushed velvet, a beaded choker and presents the piece de resistance when she removes her glasses leaving her only two eyes instead of her twatty, brainy four.

 

 Jim and Brandon oogle the other moms and teenaged girls – the mock turtleneck does not fall too far from the tree. 

 

 Jackie gets busted in her high-end court jester suit railing lines of blow in the bathroom. 

 

 Again, Cindy disapproves. 

 

 And now the fashion show. Oh boy, shit is getting real. Jackie rubs her nose continuously, drops the cue cards, calls people up in the wrong order, bitches about men and bitches even more about that damn glaring spotlight. Ugh, the Mother-Daughter fashion show is SUCH a buzzkill. Worst part, David silver is recording all of it for the video yearbook.

 

 Donna and her bizaro- season 1 mom wear some fuck-ugly high cut swimming frocks.

 

*Guest contributor, Lia thinks that Mrs. Martin #1 is being portrayed by a woman who could have been one of the mothers in the movie Troop Beverly Hills. She is a perfect picture of a woman in the late 80s early 90s who looks two times her age and has had so much work done she probably can't even eat the iceberg lettuce salad she orders from Rodeo everyday. 

 

*Editor's note: Bizaro Mrs. Martin is named Nancy in this episode, not Felice as in later episodes. The editor was also upset to find out she was incorrect to think that Bizaro Mrs. Martin played the mean mom in Nightmare on Elm Street 5 in the "stuffing of Greta" scene. Different bizaro actress.

 

On to the rest of the episode:

 

 Jackie shame spirals and Kelly runs out of the fashion show because life is super hard, what with being a blonde and a boyfriend stealer and all. 

 

 After the fashion show, Cindy regales the girls with tales from the far off Midwest, “My cousin Carrie is an alcoholic.”  No one cares.

 

The girls then swap tales about how everyone thought Kelly was perfect and no one ever thought Andrea could ever be pretty, but then she took off her glasses.

 

While the girls dish downstairs, Jim Walsh auditions to tour with a Howard Jones revival band. 

 

 Jackie comes crawling back to retrieve her daughter… her coke spoon between her legs. 

 

 Blah blah rehab. Blah blah boring. Jackie agrees to go to Timber Hills, even packing herself. 

 

David drops off the incriminating video saying he won't put it in the video yearbook.

 

Editor's note: Phew! This man definitely deserves to be in a long-term dry handies only relationship for his chivalry.

 

 After the episode ties up in a bow, we find out that Jim bombs the audition and calls Jackie to score an 8-ball. The end.

 

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