How funky is your chicken? How funky is your chicken? How loose is your goose? OUR GOOSE IS TOTALLY LOOSE! Wait, wrong Luke Perry 90s TV show/movie that starts out with a cheerleading sequence.
The beginning of Season 1, episode 9 starts out at the quad at West Bev during an intense pep rally where we find out that some younger Freshman chick is eyeing Brandon hard, even when he's wearing this cool guy hat.
New West Bev DJ of the wet dream stars, David Silver informs us it's Grudge Week - Battle of the Beverlys.
Don and Kel ask Brenda where her school spirit is. Kelly says she lost hers in 7th grade and Donna snarkily adds, "that's not all she lost in 7th grade." Brenda is bored by the constant mall antics of Donna "Midriff" Martin and Kelly "Rhythm Nation" Taylor and decides she wants to do more with her spare time than shop, saying, "how many days in a row can you go shopping before you declare yourself officially braindead?"
Over at the Peach Pit, we hear some gross noises coming out of the storage area and we see Nat getting a happy ending from Nina, the mysterious older woman with hands and (buns) of steel. Although Brandon is the object of a younger girl's desire, he finds himself not wanting to rob the cradle, but have his cradle robbed by Nina. The boy twin needs a storyline in this episode too, it can't all be about Brenda. This time.
Instead of hunting out the finest washable silk and high-waisted denim, Brenda decides to join the Rap Line (and not MC Hammer's fan hotline or even the Little Monsters contest hotline - Call 1-900-89-MAURICE!) that twatty Andrea Zuckerman helps run. Andrea holds her gigantic nose high and won't let Brenda answer phones yet as she thinks she can't handle it and will give up.
Once they close the Rap Line for the night, Brenda sneaks back in to stay warm and call Kelly to pick her up. Kelly leaves the call quickly saying she'll call her right back. The phone rings... Brenda answers it... it's not Kelly... it's a caller in need.
The caller asks, "when you're really making it and you tell him to stop and he doesn't, does that mean it's my fault? How do you know if you've been raped?" Brenda tries to do her best to walk the caller through this even though she's technically not supposed to.
Through the blinds of the Rap Line, Kelly comes to pick up Brenda and we find out that this episode is sponsored by Diet Coke and fringe.
The next day at West Bev, Twatty Zuckerman tells Brenda that trainees usually don't make it through the first week. Brenda grabs a few extra scrunchies to ensure that her ponytail is fully covered and tells ol'Twatty that she can handle it.
To keep Brandon's weak storyline going, Brandon asks Dylan about being with older women as he feels that Nina wants to do him and his rolled T-shirt sleeves. Even asking, "If we do it, is she going to expect me to stay the night?"
Back at the Rap Line, the rape victim calls back leading Brenda to confess that she took a call after hours pissing ol' Twatty off to no end. The lead instructor encouraged Brenda to talk to the victim again as she already talked to her and the caller might find it easier to open up. This time, the caller admits that this time the guy brought his friend. Brenda said she had to stand up for herself.
Brenda thinks the caller is from West Beverly because the calls are happening after Grudge Week events. She's determined to figure out who the student is. Brenda has a hunch.
On the other twin side, Brandon goes over to Nina's apartment and we find out that not only does she decorate poorly, but that she has a boyfriend. No happy endings for Brandon.
Brenda hears a familiar voice in the hallway and confronts the caller/Bonnie, saying she's the one she's been talking to and that she needs to stand up to her rapist. "You're a sophmore and you want the popular guys to go out with you, but it's not worth it. Can't you see they're just using you?"
Bonnie tries to downplay the whole situation telling Brenda that she's just jealous because "she's nobody at this school." I mean, wouldn't you be jealous of those brows?
Bonnie goes to her car and is assaulted.
Because West Bev doesn't fuck around, the cops bust this rape and are ready to open fire.
With the help of Brenda and the Rap Line, Bonnie agreed to bust her rapist's nuts in a different way. Assault this, Senior Jocko Homo!
The episode ends with Brandon going up to the young girl, Lucy (who only acts in shows/movies about Beverly Hills - Troop Beverly Hills, what a thrill!) who has a crush on him letting her know that everyting will be OK. No grudges left after this Grudge week. The frickin' end.***
***Editor's note: when this episode first came out, I was in 4th or 5th grade. I was the youngest child with siblings 9 and 12 years older. Growing up, I often pretended like I knew more than what I did. One of those things was understanding what sex actually was and all it entailed. After this episode first aired, I called my grandma. She was so happy to hear from her youngest grandchild. I told her that I watched this episode and then asked her what date rape was. Family bonding at its finest.