Love is in the air and Beverly Hills, 9021-Whoa! has a new guest contributor. The Season 1, Episode 10 recap is brought to you by Chrissy Namanny. Chrissy added some thoughts to the "ol' mom ruined it all by getting coked up at the Mother/Daughter Fashion show" episode, but I decided to give her a recap all her own. Your handy dandy Editor in Chief, LeeAnn Yops, will also be adding some thoughts because this episode is good and a major milestone in the series.
Season 1, Episode 10:
Opening credits- we open on Brenda strolling across the yard. She walks up to Brandon, who is working on Mondale and wearing my number one male fashion nemesis- the tank top. I hate guys in tank tops with a PASSION!
Brandon and Brenda joke that she had to go to three video stores to find Dirty Dancing on tape for her babysitting gig that night. How 90s is this sentence? If my local Video Express didn’t have my tape of choice, we were shit out of luck. Brenda can’t even buy Dirty Dancing on tape, because back then movies were like $89.99.
All of the sudden, Dylan comes rolling out from underneath the car to eye Brenda’s super sexy outfit of a t-shirt in the THE color of the 90s, teal, jorts with a 14”zipper, white tennis shoes, and super thick white socks. HOT. Brandon is not amused.
Cindy calls out for Brenda, where we find out that Brenda’s babysitting gig is off. She calls Kelly that since she is free, she’ll go out with her dweeb cousin. Kelly lets her off the hook by saying that she guilted Donna into going. Brenda, looking over the driveway on a patio that I don’t think we ever see again, is checking out Dylan. They lock eyes and I have to say, Dylan looks pretty hot in this scene.
Editor's note: Step off, Chrissy. "Someone get me my Dylan" will be on my Tombstone and maybe some added sliced tomatoes and Mrs. Dash Italian seasoning.
Jim Walsh comes out, basically to annoy everyone, especially me. This might be a good time to tell you all that I hate Jim Walsh with a passion (Editor's note: it makes sense, he wears tank tops frequently). It might color my recap a bit ☺ He rudely asks Dylan, who has been nothing but polite, friendly and helpful to his favorite child (let’s be honest), about his Porsche. Dylan smiles and says that it’s a great car, but not in a dicky way. Jim, on the other hand, says, “Did you buy that from your paper route?” This is the first of many times I will be saying this- I hate Jim. Dylan asks if he could clean up a bit before heading out with Brandon. I hate Jim.
Brenda walks into her bedroom, hears the shower, and screams at Brandon to shut to door because it’s too hot but SURPRISE! Out pops Dylan’s head from behind the shower curtain. Brenda has this look on her face that makes me think this is first time she is having those special feelings down there (Editor's note: seepage).
She screeches, “You keep popping up on me today!” That’s not the only thing he’ll be popping on her – SPOLER ALERT! She turns away so he can step out of the shower. He says, “So, you like video tape?” Dylan, just call them movies. (Editor's note: this is my favorite part of the episode. We'll later see about the sex and lies that go along with that videotape). She says yes. Dylan asks if he’s ever seen Animal Crackers by the Marx Bros- there’s a film festival going on if she wants to join him and Brandon that night. Brenda jumps at the chance. What 16 year olds want to watch old black and white movies? Terminator 2 isn’t playing somewhere?
While waiting for the movie to start, some girl comes up to Dylan to say hi, giving off the vibe that they know each other in the biblical sense, if you know what I mean. Dylan says he would have introduced them to her, but he couldn’t remember her name. The whole point to this scene is that Dylan has boinked a bunch of chicks in his past.
West Bev- Brenda, Steve, Soon-to-be-Dead Scott (Editor's note: too soon and Season 2 SPOILER!!!), and David are in health class together, where the topic turns to next week’s sex education assembly. Everybody’s parents will need to sign permission slips. Why are they taking sex ed in high school? We had to take it in 7th grade. The only thing I remember is that our teacher Mrs. Elming said a woman once gave birth and the doctors had to break her tailbone to get the baby out. Which, in retrospect, was the most effective birth control speech ever. And if they are sophomores, why are David and Dead Scott there? Why are they so excited to go? Is this what kids had to do before online porn?
Next night- Brandon is home sick, so just Brenda and Dylan are going to the movies. Marx Brothers again? Is this how to get into a 16 years old pants? By exalting your knowledge of black and white film? Apparently it works, because Dylan and Brenda ditch the movie to go back to the Bel Age. However, any plans they may have to bone are squashed as Jack McKay (Editor's note: this episode features Bizarro Jack McKay, not the Jack McKay played by Josh Taylor of Days of Our Lives fame we all know and love) is back in town! He and Dylan go off to the bedroom to fight. As Stephanie Tanner would say- HOW RUDE! You both have guests! Dylan comes out and runs straight to the booze. Brenda is SHOCKED- “You don’t drink, do you?” “Only at family reunions.” Hey, that’s my motto! (Editor's note: Holla!)
He storms out of the hotel, leaving Brenda to run to keep up with him. They get out to the street and Dylan’s tweed duster is BILLOWING in the breeze. (Editor's note: Seriously, someone get me my Dylan!)
Brenda’s asks if he’s ok and if he wants to take a walk on the beach. “And check out the homeless people? Yeah, that’d be great.” God Dylan, she’s just trying to be nice. Brenda’s like, peace out, I’m getting a taxi! Forget the taxi! No, I want a taxi! Just come on, damn it! STOP YELLING AT ME! At this point, Dylan reached peak dick levels and smashed a clay pot to the ground. Brenda takes off running, Dylan catches her and apologizes. Dylan cries that Jack always gets to him,
Editor's note: Dylan's reaction in this scene reminds me all too well of my favorite scene in Saturday Night Fever. "I work on my hair a long time and he hits it. He hits my hair."
Brenda tells him it will be ok, and then they start to make out. I totally thought this was so romantic back in the day; now I’m pretty sure this is how a domestic violence relationship begins.
West Bev- Brenda and Kelly are trying to decide if the making out means Brenda and Dylan are going steady. Brenda asks, “What’s next- do I get pinned or something?” Kelly- “Yes, preferably to the mattress.” (Editor's note: Up top!) Since Brenda is going over to Kelly’s to study that night, she decides that it’s the perfect time to teach Bren all about P in V.
Next scene- Dead Scott and David are still trying to get into the sex assembly. Dead Scott is convinced that his mom won’t sign. I agree- from what we learn of her next season, she is legit crazy. Just forge your mom’s signature like I used to! I would purposely mess up the signature, and then tell the office that my mom wrote it really fast in the car that morning. Worked every time.
At Casa de Walsh, Cindy is trying to convince Jim that they should go to the spa that weekend. Brenda is no dummy- she’s like go! You deserve it! Brandon has to work and I have plans, enjoy! Jim, smelling a rat, asks what her plans are. Bren tries to play dumb, then caves and says she’s going out with Dylan again. Jim’s not happy. What a surprise. Jimbo doesn’t want Bren to get involved with Dylan. Brenda says it’s too late. Jim automatically assumes this means they have already had the sex. Get a grip, Jim. Brenda, fooling no one, says she will make plans with Kelly and Donna instead. She then says, “Thanks for dinner. It’s been REAL.” Then she stomps out of the dining room. God, I love bitchy Brenda. But not as much as I hate Jim.
Cindy goes upstairs to check on Brenda, reminding her that she needed to sign something. Brenda pulls out the sex assembly consent form. Cindy jokingly asks, “Is this as outdated as it was when I was in school? Brenda says probably, but they don’t talk about the most important stuff- like how it feels IN YOUR HEART when you really want to connect with someone. I’m pretty sure that’s what the parent says, but whatever. I know my experience at this age is what we can politely call “minimal," but I'm pretty sure we didn't talk this like. I was concerned that I wouldn’t know what was doing and if I looked fat naked.
Cindy, continuing to be awesome, says that if you have a true connection it doesn’t have to be about sex. Which is exactly what you should say to a teenager. Although, I think we agree that after age 20, it is about sex, amirght? Kelly pulls up, Brenda’s out the door, but stops to give Cindy a kiss goodbye- a silent thanks. I love Cindy.
Kelly’s house - Kelly convinces Brenda to tell her folks she’s spending the night at her house to keep her date with Dylan. Brenda talks about wanting romance and Kelly’s like, "that’s great, but you need protection." Kelly hands her a condom with some wise words- “Rule number one- don’t rely on the guy.” Word infinity. Brenda is embarrassed that this sounds so clinical. Kelly drops some knowledge, “ Clinical is- ‘what time should we schedule the procedure?’” Brenda- “Kelly, that’s AWFUL!” Kelly- “Would you rather sit around and pick out names?” Kelly is the shit.
Lunch next day, Brandon walks by as Brenda and Dylan roll around and flirt. Brandon sits with some strangers and JUDGES FROM AFAR.
Hallway- Brandon runs into Dylan and asks if he wants to work on Mondale that weekend. Dylan can’t, his old man is still in town. For some reason, Brandon thinks this means he’s going to bail on Brenda. He goes on to tell Dylan, his FRIEND and also a GUY that his sister LIKES, that Brenda is romantic, dreamy and sweet, and then TELLS DYLAN THAT BRENDA IS A VIRGIN! WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS SO OVER THE LINE! Dylan, instead of running far, far away from this weirdo, tries to defend himself.
That night at Casa de Walsh, Kelly and Donna are trying to help Brenda find the perfect date outfit. All of the clothes in this montage are so 90s that it hurts my eyes. The girls drop her off to meet Dylan (Jesus, the Marx Brothers again? Does no one like to bowl in Beverly Hills?), but he never shows.
Next day at Casa de Walsh- Brenda is looking out her bedroom window, crying. Brandon walks in to ask if she’s ok. Brenda confesses that Dylan never showed up. She’s so confused- she was ready to spend the night with him! First of all, why are you telling your BROTHER you were ready to BONE HIS FRIEND? Second of all, you’ve been on TWO dates (technically one, since you barged in on Brandon and Dylan’s plans). Chill the fuck out.
Monday in the computer lab- Brandon confronts Dylan about standing Brenda up. It has to be said- Dylan is using a desktop the size of a SmartCar. I totally used that exact computer to play Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? (Editor's note: I was a fan of Fun House and made my name SHIT FUCK to which my dad saw as it flashed on the screen when I became the grand champ). Dylan says something came up. Hey, remember that’s what happened when plans changed and everybody didn’t have a cell phone to tell then? I am old. Brandon again sticks his nose into Brenda’s beeswax some more and tells Dylan that Brenda is so upset that she stayed home from school today. Brenda- you’re better than that. What you do is get up, look super hot, walk past him in the hall and act like he doesn’t exist.
Steve walks past the health teacher in the parking lot, trying to fix his car- he is late picking up the assembly speaker, Stacy Sloan, from the airport. Steve offers to pick her up instead. I guess his theory is that a woman who lectures about sexual responsibly as a career will want to give a beej to some 16 year with a personalized license plate. WHATEVER. At the hotel, Steve is trying to make the moves on Stacy. He is pretending to be the teacher instead of just telling her he is doing a favor. Steve, she is going to see the teacher tomorrow. You’re an idiot. He asks her out for dinner, but she declines- she has an early lecture at another school in the morning. Steve says he’s jealous-“they get you fresh in the morning.” I don’t even know what the means. She says, “It’s tiring, but I’m feeling pretty good these days.” FORESHADOWING! She goes to shake his hand-which is one of the great signals that SOMEONE IS NOT INTERESTED - and Steve kisses it instead. Weirdo. (Editor's note: he should have done that creepy finger tickle graze in the cup of her hand with the handshake to really get his point across).
Brenda is home on the coach watching what I can only assume is MTV, due to the horrendous music coming from the TV. (Editor's note: this statement makes you old, Chrissy, not your actual age. I remember when they played real live videos... uphill... in the snow...). She hears a car pull up, opens the front door, sees who it is, looks disgusted, leaves the door open, then walks back to the couch. Perfect bitchy reaction- that’s my girl. Dylan walks in to apologize and Brenda is having none of it. Dylan explains- he had to help Jack pack Friday night because he needed to get the fuck out of the country- he’s being indicted for securities fraud. Brenda folds like a card table, so they start making out. Dylan stops to say, “ You are so warm.” I’m pretty sure Buffalo Bill said that same thing in The Silence of the Lambs.
Next thing they are going hot and heavy on the couch until they hear Jimbo pulling up the drive. They run into the kitchen and run right into him. They act like Dylan was looking for Brandon and Dylan bolts it out of there-its pretty funny. Jim totally busts her for making out and says that Brenda deserves better, but Brenda reminds him that all the boys her age are thinking about sex. Jim’s like,sex? Who said anything about sex? “I’m talking about his values and his character!” Brenda shouts back- “Are you really worried about my character?” Then she drops the greatest line ever to show what a HYPOCRITE Jim is- “Why is it with Brandon you just wanted to make sure he knew about birth control but my whole value system is on the line?” Jim has the NERVE to say, ‘It’s different with girls, it just is” OH MY GOD I HATE JIM SO MUCH! Brenda asks to just let her get to know him better. Jim Freudian-slips, “I don’t know if I’m, I mean, YOU are ready.” Again, he wasn’t worried about Brandon being ready. Brenda says he’s going to have to trust her. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it, but I hate Jim.
Sex assembly day! Brenda tells Kelly about the fight with Jimbo. Kelly- "I can’t believe you said that to your dad." Brenda can’t either. Oh Brenda, this is just the BEGINNING of the MANY AWESOME things you will yell at Jim. Long story short, Brenda and Dylan can see each other. In other news, Kelly is wearing my band concert jacket from high school.
David and Dead Scott are still trying to get into the assembly. God, why are we still talking about these two? Go or don’t go to the assembly- I don’t give a shit. I only care how Dead Scott keeps his Laker’s hat on this head at a 45-degree angle. Are bobby pins involved?
Hey, OHHHNDREA hasn’t been in this episode at all! She turns up here to test the microphone. Brandon and Dylan hang out in the back. Brandon is wearing a mock turtleneck. To quote Carson Kressley from Queer Eye, you know the reason they call them mock turtlenecks? Because people mock you when you wear them. Dylan apologizes for ditching Brandon. Brandon, much like the readership of YM magazine in 1991, can't resist his adorable eyebrow scar and they make up. Bromance!
OHHHNDREA introduces Stacy Sloan. She starts by telling a story about some guy (Steve) who wanted to take her on a date. She declined even though he was really handsome, her words NOT MINE - STEVE HAS A MULLET (Editor's note: a curly mullet). Then she drops the bomb- she has AIDS. The crowd is aghast.
Brenda looks crestfallen- me thinks she’s thinking about holding off on P in V for a while (Editor's note: can we just refer to this as D in the B from here on out?). She explains she got it when she was 16 from some guy that was in law school. Apparently the law student hadn’t gotten to the statutory rape portion of his studies. She continues giving an awesome speech about how you shouldn't have sex because your friends are, or if you're drunk, or if you're not ready. But if you are ready, use a condom AND FOAM. I swear to God, I spit out my Coke when she said foam. I FORGOT ABOUT FOAM! I never understood how it worked. It is like insulation, where you spray it in there and it expands to fit the space? (Editor's note: West Bev is about to throw the foam party of the century. Spring muthafuckin' break!).
That night, Dylan comes to pick up Brenda. Jim asks Dylan how he’s doing, with all the press around Jack ditching the country. Dylan says he’s fine, he’s never been close with his dad- Brandon and Brenda are lucky to be close with theirs. Dylan already knows that Jim loves a compliment. Brenda comes down the stairs wearing a MAROON CRUSHED VELVET MOCK TURTLENECK BODYSUIT - OH MY GOD MY EYES!!! LOOK AT THIS THING!
Brenda and Dylan take off and Jim tells them to have a good time. Jim is nice and kind of redeems himself, but I still hate him.
Brenda and Dylan go to some lookout to check out the skyline. Brenda says she has to ask him something, but she doesn’t want him to get mad. Dylan says he never gets mad. I think there is broken clay pot outside of the Bel Age that would disagree. She asks if he’s ever had unprotected sex. He says not lately- not the most encouraging answer. Dylan asks if she wants him to get tested. Brenda - “You’d do that for me?” Dylan says, “ I guess I would be doing it for me.” We end with them staring into each other’s eyes, my generation’s Romeo and Juliet.
In conclusion, I hate Jim Walsh. (Editor's note: I just hate Jim's back hair)