Bring Yo Own Bitch!

July 18, 2015

 Season 1, Episode 11 opens up with rock music in the quad and Kelly (making great faces) and Brenda talking about how cars are an extension of boys' "you know whats." Donna bombards their conversation saying that she's having a party that night and it's strictly A-list. Brenda invites Dylan and he says he's better Hall & Oates style, "one on one."

 

Back at the Casa de Walsh, dateless, Brenda tries to convince Brandon to go to Donna's party while Brandon exclaims that everyone is "soooooo Beverly Hills." He caves and says he'll be the D.D.  

 

 Also back at the home front, Cindy and Jim swap tongues and the kids walk in on it. G-to-the-R-to the OSS. Keep it in your suspenders, Jim. It's now that we find out that Jim and Cindy are going to Palm Springs for the weekend for a work conference and to release the tension of those pesky suspenders. Suspenders lower sperm count or something. I read it in a science book.

 

 Over at Donna's, the kids mingle and Steve makes "Mucho Marvelous Mango Margaritas" with the tiniest amount of liquor this side of the local Applebee's 2-4-1 Bahama Mama special that is sure to get you tanked... after 50 drinks. Brandon refrains from these delicious drinkity dranks being called a square.

 

 Brenda hounds Kelly about her having one of Steve's concoctions saying, "I thought you didn't drink," to which Kelly replies, "my mother drinks, I sip."

 

Brandon continues to push away drinks and says he'll have a virgin mucho margarita. Steve spikes Brandon's drink and he becomes a "party machine." Over the years on BH, 90210 we find out that Brandon doesn't really like to dance. It's this episode that first explains why. Rhythm is not a Brandon dancer.

 

 Here, Brandon dances with with a girl who wears royal blue gloves named Feena to the smooth jazz version of the Beverly Hills, 90210 theme song. If you thought that song was good already, just wait til you hear it set to a smooth, drawn-out sax. Sexxxy. Oh, Brandon knows he's had the booze by this point. I guess that's important.

 

Speaking of sexxxy, Kelly goes upstairs with Steve at Donna's party. Oooooooohhhhhh.

 

B&B make it home safely and overly talk to Cindy when they get home where Cindy smells liquor on Brenda's breath. The concern sets in. Jim and Brenda yell at each other about beer runs to Wisconsin, but ultimately Brenda takes the fall for drinking leaving Brandon off the hook.

 

The next morning at school, Kelly says that "15 minutes of fun is a lifetime of regret" with Steve. Oooooohhhhhh. SNAP!

 

Jim and Cindy go to Palm Springs and meet Bob & Trudy Barnett from the Houston office. This is where the audience is introduced to Trudy's hair and Bob's bolo tie.

 While Jim and Cindy are away, B&B plan a party. At first Brandon tries to be all goody goody, but ends up saying yes as him and Brenda make a pact that neither of them will drink. Well, that plan goes out the window. At the party, Brenda is left cleaning up mess after mess, including run-ins with the cops where Dylan says she's his cousin prompting uncomfortable flirting in front of the men in uniform. 

 

Brandon drinks and headbutts with Steve making toasts to beautiful women. Nostrovia!

 

Steve, the man with curls behind the bar, makes a new concoction called Purple Pleasure that includes the 7 essential ingredients featuring vitamins A, B, C & T. Tequila! Aye!

 

Nerd alert! Ol' Twatty Andrea Zuckerman shows up and Brandon gives her a Purple Pleasure (not a Pink Torpedo... yet. In your lady wet dreams, Andrea). Ol' Twatty puckers at the taste of the drink and Brandon says, "it grows on you." Andrea retorts, "like fungus?!" Good one, Ol' Twatty.

 

 Jim and Cindy call home at some point to make sure everything is OK and then we get to see Jim's wet chest hair in the hot tub.

 

 In the hot tub we find out that Trudy and Bob aren't just weird and friendly for the heck of it, they want to wife swap. Trudy exclaims that she's "been waiting all weekend to go around the goosey goosey ducky" with Jim. Cindy whispers that Bob & Trudy aren't wearing bathing suits. <insert dry heave>

 

 

Back at Casa de Walsh, the party is roaring. David and Scott snuck into the party somehow and David says that "Kelly is as good looking as Christie Brinkley." Scott smashes David's ego saying, "well, you're no Billy Joel" because I'm sure every kid in the 90s wanted to look like Billy Joel. Not. 

 

 Steve tries to stick it in Kelly again and she gets mad. She grabs David and here the audience is introduced to the best dancer at West Bev. For real.

 

 

After too much Purple Pleasure, Brandon plants one on Ol' Twatty making her cream her bodysuit. Twice.

 

 Still, Andrea pushes him away prompting Brandon to say, "why do you have to edit everything I do? I'm not a newspaper!"

 

Brenda scurries about the house wondering when everyone is going to leave. Dylan promises that he will help kick people out for the price of 10 dry handies.

 

They run out of booze at the party and Brandon and Steve hop in their cars. They make a plan - Brandon gets booze and Steve gets mixers and snacks. Uh oh. Trouble. Brandon crashes his car into a truck putting him in jail for the night.

 

 

 Brandon, in jail, not a Corey Hart video thinks hard about his poor decision.

 

 Brenda calls the 'rents to let them know that Brandon was in an accident. Jim ends up yelling at Brenda because he's a basic bitch and not in the kitchy new meaning of basic bitch. Basically, he's just a bitch.

 

Jim & Cindy can't believe that the kids would disrespect them like this leaving their place in shambles. They just can't believe that Brandon would drink because Brandon said he would never drink again after throwing up at Foster's Lake.

 

Sidenote: I also said I was never drinking again after I drank a butt load of Captain Morgan, followed by Corona (which I still can't drink), barfed in my brother's yard, called a dog by the wrong name repeatedly in between barfing and woke up the next day thinking I had jaundice of the feet because some sandals left weird marks when I was 17. Spoiler: I drank again after that. A lot. Parents just don't understand.

 

Brandon lies to his parents saying that he drank because of the pressure and that his drinks were spiked. Then he fixes his bike cuz Mondale fell ill due to his shitty decisions.

 

 Brenda thinks Brandon has a problem since he lied.

 

At school, Brandon apologizes to Ol' Twatty making her cream her tucked in T-shirt/Burnt Sienna vest combo.

 

 Donna, pre-boob job, tells Brenda it was the party of the year!

 

 David, DJ of the couch cushion humpin' stars, dedicates a song to his special lady, Kelly giving us the 2nd best Kelly face of the episode.

 

 Kelly is appalled by her drunken actions of the weekend. She is never "sippin'" again!

 

Being the best boyfriend/friend in the world, Dylan takes Brandon to a special meeting of teen drinkers.

 

 Here, Dylan breaks character introducing himself saying, "Hi, I'm Luke Perry and I retweeted LeeAnn's cleverly named blog because I'm in love with her. It's not a fake Twitter account with only 500-ish followers. Let's use a different kind of plastic, maybe a rubber, even." OK, Dylan/Luke, whatever you say.

 

Actually, Dylan took Brandon to an A.A. meeting. The episode ends with a father/son hug and everything is good in the 90210 hood.

 

 

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