Whoa!lestra!

July 31, 2015

Oooowwwiiieee, is Season 1, Episode 12 good. This was the episode that I watched as a kid that prompted me to think it was cool and "funny" to try to force the new girl in sunny New Berlin, WI to wear my dad's skidmarked underwear if she wouldn't answer my bullying questions about who she would be a lesbian lover with (turns out it wasn't her mom). Also turns out that this new girl had a heart of gold and remained my friend after I was a skidmarked friend. She even let me stand up in her wedding.

 

With that intro, I present to you the recap of "Slumber Party." The episode starts with Brandon razzing Brenda about being too old to have a sleep over. She insists that it's not a sleep over, but "an evening of female bonding."

 

At West Bev in the Blaze office, Brandon finds out that Andrea "Ol' Twatty" Zuckerman is attending a "woman's conference" at his house. Then in the halls, Kelly says that slumber parties are too juvenile (and not in the back that ass up sort). Kelly invites a senior, Amanda Pacer, but doesn't want her to know it's a slumber party because she's too cool for school.

 

 The girls arrive at Casa de Walsh and change into their jammies. Kelly makes it known that she only wears Men's silk pajamas.

 

To get out of the girls' hair, Brandon wears his tie that he bought in Canada and goes out with Steve and tries to get into a hip bar called Floodlight underage.

 Back at the clam jam, the girls are really jammin' their clams with a dance party that for some reason includes the sounds of their off-beat claps over the generic music.

 Ol' Twatty goes to town on an air guitar. 

 

Cindy comes in with snacks and the girls get her clam a jammin' too. Go, Cindy!

 In walks the bitch with a major sitch, Amanda Pacer. She doesn't want to jam her clam. At all. She thinks this slumber party is lame. She tries to make Kelly leave and go to a frat party with her. Kelly says she has to stay for Brenda.

After all that fancy footwork, the girls are hungry. They scrounge up some snacks (sponsored by Doritos and Diet Coke). 

 Here, we find out at the mega virgin, Donna Martin has some weird, preggo eating habits. This girl likes popcorn with her ice cream. Sick. Actually the sweet and salty mix would probably be pretty good and probably has a nice texture.

 

Amanda calls them all pigs and Brenda snorts to retort. Amanda also mentions that she never eats on dates, but always orders something expensive. What is this girl's problem?

 Brandon and Steve don't get into Floodlight, but still manage to pick up some babes. One of these babes was Mike Seaver's girlfriend on Growing Pains. They all tongue kiss and drive real fast to a secluded parking lot.

 

More fun is happening at the slumber party. Donna suggests that they watch Pretty Woman because "she always had dreams of running away and becoming a hooker on Hollywood Boulevard just so that she can meet Richard Gere." Kelly says, "there's only one problem, you're not Julia Roberts."

 

I like that the problem is that she's not Julia Roberts, not that her friend has ambitions of becoming a hooker. It's OK though because eventually Tori Spelling gets to play a call girl and a co-ed one at that in a Lifetime movie.

 

To shake things up, the girls break out the Ouija board.

 Ol' Twatty tries to summon some spirits.

 There are flashing lights and the Oujia board spells out "that Twitter account is totally the real Luke Perry" or possibly "I'm here." I don't remember. 

 

The girls find out that the flashing lights are not a spirit, but camera flashes from the window. Pervy David Silver and tag-along Scott Scanlon try to discretely spy on the slumber party by taking pictures with a flash.

 Kelly and Brenda scream, "Geek! Loser!" and take his camera away. David goes home and beats it with his tears.

 

This is just the beginning of the tears in this episode.

 

Amanda notices it's past midnight and is pissed. Brenda asks, "do frat boys turn into pumpkins?" Amanda replies, "no, drunken slobs." To retaliate for the lameness, Amanda makes everyone play a game. That game is Skeletons in the Closet.

 

At the secluded parking lot, Brandon and Steve swap saliva with the ladies and Mike Seaver's girlfriend demands to drive Steve's car. He wearily obliges. Blondie drives his car jerking and braking left and right. Once she makes a full circle, she calls for her friend to hop in and they speed off leaving Brandon and Steve in a car(e)less whisper.

 

Steve cries.

 He cries tears not only for his stolen car, but also his stolen vanity plate that says I8A4RE. Get it? He drives a Corvette.

 

Now for the good stuff.

 The girls gather round for Skeletons in the Closet. Kelly is up first and is asked the hard hitting questions like what's your middle name and her favorite color. We find out it's Marlene and fuchsia (Kelly, I appreciate the Bold Crayola marker choices the most too).

 

Amanda says this is boring and that they have to get those skeletons out of the closet. Ol' Twatty steps up and asks Kelly, "what was your first sexual experience?" Kelly quickly says, "it was Steve, we were both virgins. It was in his bedroom after school while his mom was being interviewed by Entertainment Tonight downstairs. You should have seen Steve's face on that interview."

 

Amanda calls bullshit and says, "why don't you talk about your real first time?" Geeze. This Amanda is way worse than a twat, but I won't say the word because I haaaaate it.

 Kelly reveals the truth that her first time was with Ross Weber who was a "godly stud on the football team who she had a crush on." Amanda interupts, "BNJ! Before nose job." Argh. C-U-Not quite ready to call her the name she deserves.

 

Kelly admits that she would follow Ross Weber around everywhere and once a bunch of people were at the woods and Ross said, "Come on, Kel. I know you want it." Through tears, Kelly says, "I did, but not on the ground. He didn't even bring a blanket. It was over quick. He took me home and then never talked to me again." Aw, Kel. My heart goes out to you. You deserve a blanket. Everyone deserves a blanket and oh, to not be date raped.

 

Up next in the hot seat is Ol' Twatty (I will get this to catch on. Just you wait.). Amanda asks why her name is Oooohhhhnnnndrea, not Aaaaannnndrea. "What? Are you British?" Oooohhh. BURN! Ol' Twatty explains that Aaaaannnndrea is boring and common. 

 

Amanda takes it to 11 and asks Ol' Twatty who she would sleep with. Ol' Twatty says some guy who saved her from a jellyfish or something. Again, Amanda calls bullshit and says that everyone knows that it's Brandon because she's always batting her "big cow eyes" at him in the hallway, but the thing is that "no one cares." Y'ouch!

 

Here, Ol' Twatty rolls her "big cow eyes" into the back of her permed head thinking about her first time with Brandon and yes she did just cream her jammies and possibly even hit her white slouch socks with said cream. (Here's an instance of where I gross myself out. You're welcome, whoever is reading this.)

 

 Oh, yeah. Brandon and Steve have a subplot. The guys go to the police station and report the car stolen. The police officer is a real piece-of-work dick and says that since Steve gave the girl permission to drive his car, it was "not car stealing, but car borrowing." 

 

Steve finally gets good news because some officers pulled over two girls doing 100 in a Corvette with the license plate "OU812." Wait, not even Steve Sanders likes Hagar-fronted Van Halen. The police officer makes fun of Steve's vanity plate pouring salt in the vanity plate wound. So many burns in this episode.

 

The thieves come back and try flirting with Steve to get them off the hook.

 Steve checks his chubb.

 So does Mike Seaver's girlfriend who got the ax from Growing Pains for posing in Playboy.

 Brandon gives it a gander too.

Survey say: Steve has a chubb. Number one answer!

 

In a last ditch effort to get some tail, Steve says it's OK to let the girls off. The problem is one has a warrant out for her arrest. Ouch. Let's all take a moment to not take life advice from Fred Durst here. Don't do it all for the nookie because then you're just left with a cookie in your ass and a free manicure coupon.

 

Now back to the juicy stuff and the game of all the early 90s rage, Sketons in the Closet. Donna goes up, but is boring. Something, something, she has no secrets. Amanda says something bitchy about how if you can't grudge up a secret, you're either lying or a total zero.

 

Next up is Brenda. She confesses that she thought her best friend's boyfriend back in Minnesota was the ultimate babe. She kissed him at a party and she did it to break them up. Kelly admits to trying to date Dylan after they started dating because of her confession. Brenda doesn't like it one bit.

 Amanda loves it.

 Everyone says that Brenda has become stuck up since she started dating Dylan. Amanda pitted them all against each other while revealing their skeletons. The thing is, Amanda never sat in the hot seat. Brenda says it's her turn, but Amanda leaves in a fit saying she owes them nothing.

 Kelly and Brenda make up and Donna says something about how she'll try to have more secrets. Ol' Twatty was just happy she was included and got to show her sweet air guitar skills.

 Best hair of the episode: Kelly Taylor. Duh.

 The girls say good riddance to Amanda.

 

Oh, no! Amanda forgot her purse!

 What???!!! Diet pills! Oh, that's what all that not eating/pig talk was about earlier in the episode. Kelly says, "if you take too many of these, PMS starts to look like a vacation."

 

Amanda storms back in accusing everyone of going through her purse. "That's my skeleton. I take diet pills!" 

 

"I'm not as pretty as you, Kelly! Guys don't go for fat chicks!"

 The girls tell her she's beautiful and that she has to eat. She ends up agreeing and eating that whole spread we saw earlier. See, friendship is more than just a bunch of empty calories, it's about early stage diabetes too.

 

At the end of the episode, Brandon comes home and has a small heart-to-heart with Brenda and then Kelly calls him John Boy or something and everyone giggles. The frickin' end.

 

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