Touch My (Student) Body (Rolls)

October 2, 2015

Season 1, Episode 17 opens up at the Quad. Ol' Twatty (Andrea Zuckerman) tries to get Brandon to run for student body President because she wants to caress this student's body... and because she's too dorky to run herself.

 Ol' Twatty threatens Brandon with her forehead creases and teased bangs saying things like, "No one knows you well enough to hate you" and "Are you going to be a candidate or a coward?" Before Brandon can even say no, David Silver is announcing his candidacy on the school radio. Kelly likes this new political side of Brandon and has her eyes set on the prize.


To show that Brenda and Dylan are still going strong, they give Luke Perry a paycheck for this episode for his 30 second participation.

 Brenda is bored with her friends and wants to do something wild with Dylan, but he has to go see his pop in Mexico. No bueno.


Over at Casa de Walsh, Kelly and Donna woo over Brandon now that he's a political babe.

 Brenda feels left out now that her friends care more about Brandon. She cries and asks her mom, Cindy, if she ever feels like a phone call that's been disconnected. Cindy says it's part of growing into who you are. Brenda simply feels like she doesn't fit in.


Brandon uses his Commodore 64 to type his Presidency announcement while Steve explains how he's into a girl who likes citrus because she always wears the color orange. 

Then Steve tells Brandon that the past V.P. of West Bev took out a different girl ever week so that he could nail them and their votes. Brandon doesn't approve of these dirty tactics.


To find a sense of being, Brenda takes Kelly and Donna to the Fall Out Club, a super hip coffee shop where we meet comedian, Sky Blue Yonder.

You see, Sky got this crazy name because her dad was in the Air Force and her mom was a pothead, which must make Sky an airhead. Wakka wakka, Sky Blue Yonder. Sky jokes about how she's a P.O.W. - a Permanently Outcast Wuss and she become popular by not joining any clic, but by joining every clic.


After Sky slays the audience, a guy named Jack closes out the night at the Fall Out Club.

Jack hears Kelly order her basic bitch of a drinkity drank and calls her a typical California girl. Brenda doesn't like this one bit and starts heckling him back saying she might have tried on 50 different jackets before settling on these sweet polka dots, but he tried out 50 jokes and none of them worked and that he shouldn't make snap judgments about her friends. Kel and Don are impressed by Brenda's quick wit.

 Back at Casa de Walsh, Brenda goes on and on about how she really told that stand-up comedian. Jim and Cindy don't care. They only care about Brandon becoming class President. To get their attention, Brenda says she's pregnant. Nothing like scaring your parents into listening to you than to tell them that you're a teen mom. It's OK, she's not. She hasn't even had s.e.x. yet.


Kelly declares that she wants to get involved and help run Brandon's campaign because she knows everyone.

 Ol' Twatty is NOT happy about this. The reason why Ol' Twatty is pushing Brandon to run for student body President is not only because she wants to put her hands all over his student body, but because she was too coward to run and backed out.

 However, she was not coward enough to wear this collarless button-up shirt and French braid bun combo.


Brenda doesn't care much for Brandon's political run. She's annoyed that her friends care more about Brandon than her and she decides to go to the Fall Out Club solo. Brenda is jealous of Sky because she's really lived and she's stuck in Popularity Contest, USA. Sky says she could take her High School Equivalency test and move on in life.

 For this shot, they hired the hair stylist who also styled the lion on Zoobilee Zoo to get Sky's hair just right.


To make sure that this show stays diverse, Brenda seeks help from a counselor to get a High School Equivalency test, but in order to take it, Jim and Cindy need to sign it.

 Brenda explains to Jim & Cindy that she has to experience life and to do that she needs to drop out of high school. They do not approve.

 Man, parents just don't understand.


Upstairs, Kelly is taking Brandon's politician photos.

 Ol' Twatty ruins all of the fun and says that these sexy shots are not the image he should be portraying.

 Kelly says what they really need is a campaign video. The next day at the Quad, Kelly walks up to David Silver because she needs his sweet video skills.

 David says it might be a conflict of interest since he's hosting the Presidential debate. Kelly promises him a date in exchange for his video goods. David agrees in hopes of under the table/over the pants handies for days.

 Brenda is frustrated because everyone is fawning over Brandon. She feels like Ferris Bueller's sister. Presidential competitor with the most generic name, Michael Miller approaches Brenda and they talk about her stand-up comedy future.

 How do I know Michael's face? What oh what is he known for?

 Oh, it's for playing "Craterface" on Saved by the Bell. B-b-b-beat. Go West Bev or suthin'.


Kelly is upset that Brenda is talking to the competition. Brenda dramatically says that not everything is about Brandon and that Michael was interested in what SHE had to say, not Brandon.


Later at Casa de Walsh, Kelly shows Brandon and Ol' Twatty a rough cut of the campaign video.

 There are shots of Brandon boogie boarding, playing basketball, flipping his hair, etc. Who should you vote for?

 Bran... THE MAN! 




Because he can deliver.


Ol' Twatty thinks the video is trash and doesn't explain how Brandon can deliever at all, it just shows him as a pretty boy. Kelly's theory is that more girls vote than guys do and that sex sells. Ol' Twatty huffs and puffs and blows her twat down saying that she can't get behind all of this "Sex, lies and videotape," stomping out with her last words of "you're on your own, Bran Man."


With Ol' Twatty out of the way, Kelly puts the moves on Brandon, voicing that if you really want something, you have to go after it.

 Brandon tries to resist saying that Steve would be upset. Kelly says that Steve doesn't matter because he's off chasing some girl in orange and that he'd love to be in Brandon's position.


In Brenda's search in finding herself, she offers to housesit for Sky who has a family crisis. Jim and Cindy fear that if they don't let her do this, Brenda will run farther away so they let a 17 year old stay at a stranger's apartment for the weekend.

 Sky shows Brenda around and introduces her to her collection of Blossom hats. What would Joey Lawrence say? (Beverly Hills, 9021-) WHOA!

 Once Sky leaves, Brenda plays dress up idolizing this free spirit of a lady.

 Brenda loves the wretched hats so much that she wears them to school the next day.

 Kelly hates it.

 Kelly asks Brenda how she could wear that costume to school when her brother's running for student (roll that) body President insulting her by saying, "Hippy witch is out." Brenda retorts, "It's Twin Peaks and it's in."


After school, Brenda goes back to Sky's apartment and thinks it's being robbed. She hides behind a wall saying she didn't see anything. This guy with the sweet 'stache says he's not robbing the place, he's repossessing it.

 Sweet 'stache goes on explaining that he's "just doing his job, ma'am" and then eats his mustache with his bottom lip and does this cool hand gesture.

 Jack comes over and offers to make it all better with Franco-American Spaghetti. The silver lining is that the gas hasn't been turned off yet.

 There's a knock at the door and it's the gang. They crashed Sky's apartment for a campaign party.

 Kelly says, "so this is the fish you're feeding while the cat's away" in reference to Jack.


Cool jeans, Donna.


Steve brings the lady in orange and matches her with his deep V cardigan. Is that a cardigan? I don't even know.

 Cool orange scrunchie, Citrus.


Kelly complains that there's no food at this party that she sprung on Brenda in a stranger's apartment.

 The water and electricity gets shut off during the party. Steve scoffs and says this place is "Low rent city" and then goes home to his ritch bitch parent's house. Kellys pissily tells Brenda that she could be more supportive and let her crash an apartment with a campaign party that at least has electricity.


It's the big Presidential debate the next day at West Bev. Kelly wears her fifth blazer of the episode to show her support.

 Brandon and his competitor, Mike talk before the debate and see that they both have a lot of the same ideas. Mike congratulates Brandon thinking that he's going to win because he's more popular.


At the debate, Brandon promises rock bands every Friday at lunch. Mike debates asking Brandon if he knows how much red tape is involved in actually making that happen.

 Blah, blah, blah. Mike is smarter. Brandon gives up his candidacy to Mike because he's a more qualified President than he is. Bran... THE MAN gives his support to Mike. Again, Kelly is not happy.


David goes up to Kelly in the hall to collect his date suggesting something wet, saying, "you, me, and my dad's hot tub."

 Brenda swings by Casa de Walsh and Jim & Cindy give her a care package including tuna sandwiches.

 They still fear that they're going to lose their daughter so they let her do what she wants at Sky's place.


Brenda goes back to Sky's place to find her in a Lisa Loeb video.

Brenda says she tried to stop them from repossessing her place. Sky understands because she knew it was going to happen. She didn't want to tell Brenda because she looked up to her so much. It turns out that Sky's big family crisis was her and that she needed money because tips from starving artists don't pay the bills.


Having learned so much from housesitting for a woman living outside of her means, Brenda decides to face her own fear and performs at Amateur Night at the Fall Out Club.

 Brenda makes jokes like, "Where do I shop? Mom's." She tells her tale of moving out for a weekend and how she was confused that her parents were so cool about it. She thought that her brother might miss her, but he took over her room.


In the end, Brenda decides that she can still find herself while growing up under her parent's roof. She doesn't want to fast forward her high school experience and has decided against taking the High School Equivalency exam so she gives it Sky.


Kelly takes David to see Brenda's show for the date telling him to not press his luck. Looks like David just got a Whammy in his boner-filled slacks.

 The episode ends with Brenda and Brandon talking about their crazy experiences. While Brenda was finding herself, Brandon learned that he loved having the bathroom to himself.

To push his buttons, Brenda asks him to autograph his campaign poster.

 Brandon gives himself a Hitler 'stache and the episode concludes. All hail Brandon.


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