Unauthorized 9021WHOA!

October 6, 2015

Initially I was going to do a full Whoa!-cap of the Lifetime Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 movie, but I decided against it and will instead touch on a few choice points. Partially because I have a life outside of Whoa!-ing and mostly because it's not as good as an actual episode. However, I still really liked this movie. I know a lot about this show, but my eyes were opened to even more. I liked it so much I'm going to watch it again this week.

 

First, let's address a couple of things. How's about we start off with casting:

 When the Lifetime movie cast was revealed, I wanted to scream bullshiz, but as I actually watched it, it really wasn't that bad. Where they went wrong was the character playing Brian Austin Green looked like one of the oldest when he was supposed to be one of the youngest and the girl who played Tori Spelling was a much prettier version than Tori could ever be. And I'm not just saying that to be bitchy, it's the stone cold truth (3:16). The creepiest parts were the voices. The girl who played Shannen Doherty sounded exactly like her and the guy who played Jason Priestley sounded a lot like him too. Coincidentally, the girl who played Shannen Doherty also looks likes fellow Whoa! contributor, Julie Kent who gave us the great Whoa!-cap of when Kelly's mom did all of the coke and ruined the mother/daughter fashion show. See?

That's Julie dressed up as sexy John Oates. 

 

For those who care about what the actors names are, Google it. I don't care about who they are except for the guy who is the voice of Homer Simpson who played Aaron Spelling, but his last name is too hard to spell so he'll be known as Homer Simpson's voice. I only care about the original actors and the characters they played.

 

Now on to a few things you might not know that the movie revealed:

 

1) We all need to personally thank Tori Spelling for this show because without her urging her dad to do it, it may not have been made (according to this movie and the only person from the show who did the Celebrity Lie Detector show that aired after).

2) Luke Perry was a construction worker moonlighting as an actor who originally auditioned to play Steve Sanders. Oh. My. God. Can you imagine this? The show would have turned into why did Kelly ever give up on Steve with that smoldering raised eyebrow and pursed lips instead of "Keep trying, Steve with the shitty curly mullet. We only like you for your rich mom, cool car and sad adoption story."

3) Jason Priestley was living with Brad Pitt when he first auditioned as Brandon.

3) The cast didn't only make out with each other on screen, but there was a lot of dry humping and maybe more going on off camera and not only between the on screen couples. There was a lot of saliva and parter swapping.

4) The sexual tension was so high between the cast that the producers had to tell the cast to not make out so realistically and that they weren't allowed to touch boobs. Wah, wah.

5) The show almost didn't even make it a whole season, but then the Gulf War happened and people needed to see teen dramas or something.

6) Network execs and stuffy old folks didn't like that Brenda was rejoicing in the loss of her virginity. They thought she should feel remorse so they forced the break up between Brenda & Dylan. My 10-year-old self is saying (in my mom's text way) "F--- off!"

7) Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth hated each other so much that they actually had a full-on catfight off camera. More of this please. I could seriously watch this scene over and over.

8) The cast got so upset with how late Shannen Doherty was all of the time and how difficult she was to work with that they all requested to have fewer scenes with her and then later all rallied to get her fired.

 

A lot of the movie focused on how horrible Shannen Doherty was, but still gave her the praise for her great acting. I'm totally biased in this as I love this frickin' show so much, but this Lifetime movie was SOOOOOOO much better than the Unauthorized Saved by the Bell movie. This one brought the goods. It was trashy, fun and had Brian Austin Green dancing in a good 12% of the movie which is a pretty good percentage to include only Brian Austin Green dancing.

 

Now onto the really good stuff of Tori Spelling: Celebrity Lie Detector. I think anyone who reads this needs to rally with me and make this show a regular mainstay where viewers call in and ask Tori the questions we all really want to know the answers to. Some of the questions were pretty lame, but there were a few good truths revealed. Here are a few:

 

1) Tori Spelling sold Jason Priestley's wedding invitation at a yard sale for $5.

2) Tori Spelling had sex with Brian Austin Green in real life as they dated at one point. People already knew about this so that was boring, but then the hype came up that she slept with more than one person on the show from the original cast. So that leaves Steve, Brandon or Dylan. Who could it be? Well, it would never be Steve. Then Tori went on to explain how on her 18th birthday, Luke Perry gave her a kiss on the lips and this is when I legitimately gasped and shouted, "THAT BITCH!" at the TV. Tori further explained how they only kissed, which leaves us with Brandon. Tori admitted that she and Jason Priestley had an off-camera romance for a summer. Phew. I'm cool with that. Hands off my Dylan.

3) Tori Spelling lost her virginity in the dress that Shannen Doherty is wearing in this cast shot:

 The thing is that the dress still had the stain of Tori's virginal broken hymen on it and Shannen still wore it. S-to the-I-to the CK, SICK! SIIIIIIIIIIIIICK. This is worse than finding a pair of ratty tatty underwear that you thought you completely washed your period stains out of. Try washing this stain out of your mind any time anyone uses this picture for Beverly Hills, 90210 promotional material. Look for Shannen's smirk in the sequel "There Will Be Virgin Blood-Stained Dresses." 

 

And one more dry heave for good measure. There were a few other things Tori talked about, but nothing too exciting. Gooooddddaaahhhh, I can't wait for the Unauthorized Melrose Place Lifetime movie. Oh, and once I'm finished with Beverly Hills, 90210, the next blog will be MelWHOA!se Place. It's part of my company, Like Whoa! where I name blogs after Joey Lawrence's "Whoa!"

 

 

 

 

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