The Depew Queue: The Top 10 Things I Learned from "Spring Dance"

 

The Spring Fling episode was such a heavy hitter, that we couldn't give you just one take on the episode. The Whoa!'s guest contributor, Marla Depew is back with the Depew Queue for Season 1, Episode 21. See what this funny lady has to say about the big school dance.

  1. The best way to ogle a woman is literally cartoonishly, like when Brandon and Steve donned glasses with animated eyes on them as the alluring—and alliterative—Darla Diller sailed down the hallway.

  2. The term “terminally hip,” which Steve employs to describe a great restaurant, should return to the pop culture vernacular immediately.

  3. When you harbor a secret crush on your best friend’s ex-girlfriend but made it clear you wouldn’t go there and then your best friend’s ex-girlfriend asks you to the Big Dance® and you say yes after telling your nerdy friend who has an unrequited crush on you that you’re not going when she roundabout kind of asks you, be prepared to deal with some hurt feelings, because you caused them, Brandon.

  4. Given the choice between wearing the same dress to the Big Dance® as your best frenemy or looking like the topper on a Quinceañera cake, go with the latter. You won’t be able to step over thresholds or exit a limo without significant assistance, but at least you’re not contributing to the culture of toxic female competition.

  5. When you want to confuse others AND have immediate access to a quick and healthy snack, just wear a vegetable boutonniere.

  6. There are not nearly enough Bobbsey Twins references anymore, and Kelly Taylor and Jim Walsh have traveled from the past into a Blu Ray DVD to remind us of this.

  7. Don’t forget your friend’s birthday, especially when he told you that he just found out he’s adopted and you have access to your own memory not yet weakened by social media reminders and/or early Alzheimer’s, Kelly.

  8. When you lose your virginity, definitely do so with a guy who tells you he’s “never taken an opinion poll” when you ask him, “How many girls get to have sex for the first time with someone they love?”

  9. If you skip the Big Dance® so you can wallow at home in a sweatshirt and baggy jeans while eating ice cream and watching horror movies, you will turn into a chainsaw-wielding murderer before your very eyes.

10.  If you enter a dance contest, be sure to appear as if you’re a mannequin with spring-loaded arms who’s having a choreographed seizure. You will definitely win.

 

You can catch Marla telling jokes into a microphone at Just Dickin' Around coming back to Hydrate in Chicago in January.

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