WEEEEE'RRRREEEE BACK! After a brief hiatus, the Whoa! is back and ready to hit Season 2 (where it gets good) with more amazing Whoa!-caps from yours truly and guest contributors of the Beverly Beat. So grab that beach chair, sun tan lotion and neon high-cut bikini because we're about to hit the beach with the 90210 gang.
Season 2, Episode 1 opens up with a modified theme song and new opening credits that will be instilled in your brain forever. Please air punch me to the beat, Jason Priestley (Brandon Walsh). Please. Need something cool to do? How about you push down some surfboards, Ian Ziering (Steve Sanders). Not sure what else to do? Pick up Tori Spelling (Donna Martin). End scene. Man, this gang is fun.
After the new credits, we scan the Quad and are brought to a farewell meeting of the Blaze.
Andrea (Ol' Twatty) Zuckerman cuts a cake and sends her writers off telling everyone to have a good summer.
There are two things you will hear a lot of in this episode. One is people telling each other to have a good summer and the other is the secret word of the episode, "Gynecologist." Grab a speculum and shout real loud every time we mention "Gynecologist." What lips you use to shout is up to you.
Over in another classroom, Kelly may have lost her voice, but claims that this is going to be the best summer ever (I'm sure it is, Kelly. I'm sure it is).
David and Scott roam the halls so that you still remember that they exist and that one might prevail as a more relevant character soon.
Scott is headed back to Oklahoma for the summer. David encourages him saying, "I bet not one girl (in Oklahoma) has met a California stud before." That's all we really see of these two this episode, but Go Wildcats!
Kelly, Brenda and Donna discuss their plans for the summer. Brenda is going to take an acting class and Kelly has big ambitions to hit up the beach club a bunch where she is going to meet all of the cutest guys. Brenda says, "Kelly, can't you stop thinking about guys for just one second? There is more to life."
Kelly retorts, "Sounds like it is that time of the month." Brenda responds, "Well, it is and it isn't, if you know what I mean." Remember that cliffhanger at the end of Season 1? Well, Brenda is 5 days late.
Back at The Blaze, Ol' Twatty and Brandon awkwardly talk about what could've been when she offered up her virginity. Brandon asks where that leaves them.
Ol' Twatty says, "Friends."
Brandon kisses her on the cheek and sniffs her hair as they tell each other to have a great summer.
Kelly, Brenda and Donna go shopping after school and pick up a pregnancy test.
Kelly says, "Think of it as your own personal chemistry test." Brenda replies, "Except I'm the guinea pig."
The girls go back to Casa de Walsh and Brenda takes the test. Blue is for positive and red is for negative. Brenda's pee turns the stick green. Donna being a great helps says that maybe it's green for twins on St. Patrick's Day. Did you know that Donna has a learning disability? They talked about it in Season 1. Turns out she also has a pregnancy test disability.
Brenda in a moment of severe doubt, says, "I wait to have sex with a guy I love, I act responsibly, I take every precaution and I'm green." Kelly suggests that she sees her, eh, eh, GYNECOLOGIST. Brenda goes on to explain more how she loves Dylan and that she thought she knew what she was doing, but wonders if it that Spring Fling boning was really worth it.
Brandon is busy working at the Peach Pit and notices that the tips are getting smaller and smaller. This isn't working for Brandon because he needs to save money for a car after he got drunk off of Purple Nurples and crashed Mondale in Season 1. Nat says that there are fewer customers because everyone is at the beach.
Steve walks in wearing a sweet button-up shirt, pelvic thrustin' and snappin' saying, "Let the summer begin."
Steve goes on to explain that the biggest summer party is on the beach. Brandon says that he's stuck at the Pit. Steve suggests that he gets a more lucrative career, maybe a job at the beach club.
Back at Casa de Walsh, Brenda casually asks her mom, Cindy when she first went to a eh, eh, GYNECOLOGIST. Shout it from the rooftop.
Cindy says she went in college when she thought it was a good idea. Brenda asks, "A good idea for what?" Cindy says it was a good idea when your father and I decided that we wanted to start to bust it raw, but we weren't ready for twins yet.
Jim (the dad) walks in on their intense conversation and plants one on Cindy.
Brenda leaves to meet up with Dylan, but after Jim tells her that curfew is still the same even though it's summer. Dylan and Brenda hug and she says that she thought that they did everything right.
Brenda says it was a mistake. Dylan says it wasn't and that it was beautiful. He's going to be there to support her, it's his problem too. Brenda says it doesn't feel that way.
The other twin, Brandon decides to listen to Steve and see what the beach club all has to offer. He applies for a Lifeguard position where the interview is an endurance test.
It's here that we meet Brandon's potential new boss, Henry Thomas.
Henry explains that this is a no bullshit job. It's a full time position that's 5-6 days a week. Then he makes everyone do sprints.
While Brandon loses his breath at the beach, Brenda tries to catch her breath at the eh, eh GYNECOLOGIST's office. Kelly tells her not to worry because Kelly and her mom have been seeing him for years. Kelly is maybe 17.
Brenda says she wishes "he wasn't a him." Kelly says, "Most of them are."
This episode tries to scare the bejesus out of any young girl in the early 90s who might have wanted to have sex with this image burned into their eyes.
I was 10 when I first saw this episode. I don't remember it being this obvious. You have sex, you have to eventually get into this. Geeze.
Anyway, Brenda asks Kelly what those things are and says that she's only seen stirrups on a horse. The nurse interrupts and asks for a urine sample.
The doctor walks in and Brenda says she doesn't need to see him anymore because she miraculously got her period as soon as she saw the stirrups.
The GYNECOLOGIST who is not Mel Silver (David's dad), but happens to resemble him, says it's never too early to start.
Brenda leaves the exam and Dylan is waiting for her anxiously.
After the appointment, he urges her to go on the pill. Brenda gets upset and says, "You think it's that easy." Dylan says he was thinking about her. Brenda says he was thinking about himself. Dylan asks Kelly what he did. Kelly says, "You were being a total guy."
Back at the beach, Brandon eats it big time at the endurance test. He knows he didn't do so hot, so he shakes Henry Thomas' hand and thanks him for the opportunity.
Henry likes Brandon's spunk and good manners so he offers him a job as a Cabana Boy instead. Brandon explains that he has a job and has to put in his 2 weeks. Henry says that he has at least 40 people lined up for this job, some who have modeling portfolios. He hates interviewing and wants to give Brandon the opportunity. The job starts at 7 a.m. sharp the next day. This put Brandon between a rock and hard (peach) pit with Nat as he wants to give him enough notice.
Brandon goes home to talk to his mom about the new job opportunity as she sorts recyclables. Cindy says that the beach club might be glamorous, but that he shouldn't screw over Nat.
Brandon asks Brenda to cover shifts at the Pit until Nat finds someone. He notices that she's distressed and that's when Brenda tells him that D went in the B at the spring dance. She confides that she thought she was pregnant, but she's not and that even though she avoided that whole teen pregnancy thing, that she's a changed woman.
While continuing to sort recyclables, Cindy finds the pregnancy test box.
Cindy and Jim confront Brenda.
Jim tortures Brenda and the audience by awkwardly asking, "Did you do something to indicate that you were pregnant?" Brenda says, "Like sex? Yes." Jim and Cindy ask when it happened and she said 2 weeks ago at the dance.
OK. This huge pregnancy scare after 2 weeks? I mean, I guess I get it because the first time I ever fooled around with someone, I thought I was definitely pregnant and we didn't even come close to the deed, I think I may have just seen his junk and made myself think the improbable worst. But this is TV and they obviously needed a good story line, moreso than my sad handjobs.
Jim and Cindy try scare tactics saying that she's not ready as a teenager to make adult decisions. They say that sex is not a game and that doing it doesn't make you an adult. To make things even more uncomfortable, Jim wants to talk to Dylan. Brenda won't allow it.
Brenda and Dylan hightail it out of Casa de Walsh. Jim doesn't like that he sounded like his father. He said he was "Conservative, moralizing, completely unflexible (stretch more), everything he didn't want to be." Cindy said that they're going to have to put a lot of trust in their daughter.
Meanwhile, Brandon goes to the Pit to give Nat the bad news. Nat is upset because Brandon is leaving him high and dry with no help. Nat says, "You can divorce me, but don't dessert me! Well, have a good summer."
While Brandon is breaking up with Nat, Brenda tongue swaps with Dylan in his car for a bit and then breaks up with him. Brenda thinks that things are getting too serious and that they crossed an "imaginary line" and that it's too much to think about "with condoms, birth control, getting pregnant, what her parents are thinking." She doesn't know what they're about. Dylan tells her she's afraid.
Brenda sticks to her guns and officially breaks up with Dylan.
The next day, she wears pleated shorts and tells her parents her big decision.
Although, they didn't want their daughter to grow up too fast, Jim & Cindy didn't expect her to break up with Dylan (in bed).
Brenda calls Kelly to tell her the news.
Kelly thinks that she's overreacting and then says, "What a way to start the summer, huh?"
Over at the beach club, Brandon tells Dylan about his new Cabana Boy gig. Dylan asks how Nat took it. Brandon says that he didn't take it so well, especially because he didn't give any notice.
Dylan says, "You Walshes have a way of dumping on people." Brandon didn't know that Brenda and Dylan broke up yet. Dylan also warned that the beach club isn't worth selling your soul over.
Brenda moves on from the breakup and starts her summer drama class.
Turns out that Andrea (Ol' Twatty) is also taking the drama class to spice up her resume. Donna is doing it to bring up her grades. Brenda is doing it because she's an actress, damn it.
The girls get a little surprise when they see their hunky teacher, a poor man's version of Fred Savage.
The teacher's name is Chris Suiter and he goes right into a monologue about his life story. He asks for a volunteer to go next and before Ol' Twatty can raise her overachieving hand, he grabs the "dark-haired girl with the beautiful smile." That's Brenda.
Brenda delivers her monologue saying how she moved from Minnesota and started dating Dylan who she fell in love with. She then tells the class they broke up and Ol' Twatty shakes her head saying that she's always the last to know.
This is too much drama for my mama, let's see what's going on at the beach club.
Steve plays volleyball.
That's not Steve or Steve's ass, but you'll get to see these images again in future episodes as they use a bunch the same beach shots.
Ready, set, bump.
I don't know who those kids are, but it won't be the last time you'll see them.
Kelly tells Steve that Brenda and Dylan broke up. Steve is a real jerk about it and says that Dylan probably couldn't wait to get rid of her.
Brandon goes to Henry's office to tell him to hold on to his uniform because he won't be able to start for a week. Henry asks if he is anticipating a growth spurt. Henry also tells him that the number one rule for working for him is to not disrupt him between 11 & 12 because that's when "Young & the Restless" is on.
Seriously, don't mess with this man's "Young & the Restless."
Henry gives Brandon one week to start so that he can help "this Nat" and says, "Mr. Walsh, you better be worth waiting for."
Brandon goes to the Peach Pit to tell Nat that he can stay for the week. Nat is so good that he already found a replacement. No hard feelings. They hug it out.
Concurrently, Brenda is wrapping up her monologue and the hot teacher asks her how it made her feel.
She says she felt relieved, but sad. Hot teacher said that these things are good because it makes 1) Human and 2) a Good Actor.
Ol' Twatty eagerly volunteers for the next monologue while wearing a sweet jumper.
She goes on and on boring David Silver.
Ol' Twatty's overachieving ass asks if they're going to be graded on this.
After class, Ol' Twatty, Donna and Brenda are in the hallway and see Dylan coming down the hall. Brenda says she wants to talk to Dylan alone in front of this sign to really drive the point of teen pregnancy and what could've been.
Dylan urges for them to work things out saying that he "fell in love or something" and that the only person he has to rely on is him.
Brenda says that he can rely on her and that this is hard for her too. Dylan says that's why "love hurts." Brenda doesn't want to be scared with him. Time will tell if they are meant to be together. She says, "Goodbye, Dylan." Followed by a dramatic guitar solo and various crying shots.
Season 2, Episode 1 might end in tears, but it leaves viewers with hope. With hope of Cabana Boys, new romances, and possibly new trips to the GYNECOLOGIST. Have a good summer.