Papa Was a Rolling Whoa!

June 29, 2016

Season 2, Episode 3 opens up at Casa de Walsh with some heavy hitting news on the ol' boob tube.

 Jack McKay has been indicted on 23 counts of fraud. Papa Walsh says something about how that Jack McKay is a good for nuthin' SOB. Brenda interrupts him and says that Jack is innocent until proven guilty.

 Check this! This episode features a bizarro Jack McKay, not the Jack McKay played by Josh Taylor that we all know and love.

 

The Real McKay:

 Anyway, Brenda phones up Dylan to see if he's OK even though they're still trying to get to know each other as friends after that whole shitty break up after a pregnancy scare thing. Dylan dreamily stares at his phone as his answering machine indicates to "Leave a message after the Beep-a-rooni."

 The next day at the Beach Club, Brandon runs into Dylan. There's an announcement over the loud speaker warning beach goers of 3-5 foot waves telling everyone to "Buckle up for safety and party hard."

 Brandon asks Dylan if he's alright. Dylan brushes it off and says, "Surf's up," leaving Brandon worried about how his friend is taking the news of his dad being a good for nuthin' SOB.

 

This episode finally explores the other characters a bit more. We have the Dylan/Daddy Issues plot and a sideplot for Kelly. She has a new love interest. Remember Kelly's mom? Jackie Taylor? The woman who wears more sequins than RuPaul and ruins everything by snorting all of the coke at the mother/daughter charity fashion show? Well, she's back and sober.

 Instead of sequins, she now wears swimsuits with sheer cutouts (mostly to alleviate wretched tan lines). 

 

Kelly and Jackie scope out the goods on the beach. Kelly is trying to urge her mom to be more social telling her that she's not going to meet anyone sitting by herself all day. Jackie says, "Without a margarita in my hand, this lounge chair is dreadful."

 

The two Taylors continue to ogle boys and Kelly points out her love interest while drinking warm piss through a straw.

 The camera pans to Steve serving a mean volleyball. Gasp! Kelly is trying to get back together with Steve?!?! A-what?!?!

 

NOPE! Not Steve. Kelly has her sights set out on the boy behind him, Kyle Conners.

 Heyyyy duuuuude. Yippie-tai-yai-yay. Yippie-tai-yai-what? Like the cowboys say, that's Ted from Nickelodeon's Hey Dude. Although it was no Salute Your Shorts, Hey Dude was still OK.

 

Jackie gushes over these young boys some more and says something about how the youth is wasted on the young or something. I was too distracted by the sweet suit to really understand the quote.

Meanwhile, Dylan is tempted by the dangerous waves. He talks to a random surf dude who says that the waves will give anybody a "serious pounding" and that they would have to be "seriously looney" to attempt it. Seriously.

 Over at West Bev, Ol' Twatty (Andrea or as she corrects the summer school teach, "Onnnnnndrea") grills Brenda about what's going on with Dylan and asks if he's OK. Brenda says, "If Dylan wants to talk, he can call me."

 The summer school teach tells the class that it's time to learn about Shakespeare. Donna chimes in, "I thought this was supposed to be fun."  He picks two students to reenact a scene from Romeo & Juliet. Who will it be?

Well, he chooses Donna and "Teen heartthrob of all time," David Silver.

 Donna is not happy because she's an acting virgin and a real virgin. Right now, she only knows about low test scores and maybe dry handies.

 

Back at the beach, Kelly is still busy scoping out Kyle Conners. Brandon asks Kelly, "See something interesting?"

 Kyle hits the volleyball wrong and it rolls toward Kelly. He runs over by her beach chair to get it. Kelly picks up the ball and stares into his eyes while rockin' a cool half braid.

 To make her move, Kelly tells Kyle that he can have the ball back if he gives her private lessons. Smooth, Kelly! Kyle awkwardly obliges while Kelly responds, "Groovy."

 

After summer school, Brenda brings back Ol' Twatty to Casa de Walsh. The girls tell Cindy how they are learning Shakespeare. Cindy who always seems to be cleaning or cooking something all of the time makes Macbeth references.

 Ol' Twatty thinks these Macbeth references are top notch comedy. Brenda does not.

 Thankfully the phone rings to halt the Macbeth fodder.

 Oh, no! It's Dylan. Well, it's not Dylan calling, but the call is about Dylan. He was surfing! There was an accident!

 

Brenda and Cindy rush to the hospital to see if Dylan is OK. Turns out that he's not OK. Dylan has a shitty dad and is having a hard time processing it. That surf dude on the beach was right about those waves giving Dylan a "serious pounding." Seriously.

 Dylan wakes up to find Brenda at his side. Brenda asks what happened and Dylan says in his best soft-spoken surfer voice, "It was awesome. You look like an angel. I need you, Bren." Brenda is confused because she cares about Dylan, but also needs her space to find herself.

 

Cindy checks in with the doctors and comes back to the waiting room to tell Brenda that Dylan is going to stay at Casa de Walsh for a few days.

 "Dylan and I broke up, remember?" says Brenda. Cindy explains that she couldn't leave him in the hospital and that he's Brandon's friend too. First, her parents reprimand her for sleeping with Dylan at the Spring Dance and now they're allowing that very same boy to stay at their house. Blurred lines, y'all.

 

Brandon takes it to sofa city and gives Dylan his room. Everyone is afraid that the news about Dylan's dad is going to break him. Brandon asks Dylan what happened while surfing. Dylan says, "This has nothing to do with my dad." Yeah, right.

 Dylan doesn't want to burden the Walshes, especially Brenda as he knows this whole situation makes her really uncomfortable. He then implies that she's stubborn. Cindy says, "Stubborn. Brenda? No." Then they all laugh and it makes Dylan uncomfortable because he's in recovery from that serious pounding.

 

Jim Walsh is not happy about their new house guest. Cindy reasons that they have nothing to worry about because Dylan can't move. Jim says, "When it comes to Brenda, he can move." Up top, Jim! Good one.

 

Brenda is busy studying Shakespeare when Brandon swings by her room. "To be a bitch, or not be a bitch?," asks Brenda explaining that this is between her and Dylan. Brandon says, "He's right. You are stubborn."

 

Not happy, Brenda marches over to Dylan saying that she's not stubborn. She goes on to say that she needs time to think things out.

 Dylan plants one on her, but Brenda resists saying, "I can't do this" and leaves.

 

Overnight, Brenda and Dylan have an awkward run-in in the bathroom.

 Oh, poor Dyl. He just needs Brenda and to urinate. Cinch that waist, boy!

 

Brenda is tortured by being this close to Dylan... yet so far away.

 The next morning at the Beach Club, Kelly gets her one-on-one volleyball lesson with Kyle.

 Kyle asks Kelly out on a real date. Kelly rockin' another sweet braid says yes. Steve sees the two of them flirting and is not happy about it.

 

Kelly runs back to her cabana to tell her mom all about her date. Jackie in her finest Crayola Bold Markers coverup couldn't be happier.

Even though she looks this good, Jackie doesn't know how to be sexy and charming without being inebriated. Kelly tells her mom that she's proud of her. 

 

Steve, however, is sour, sour grapes over this whole Kyle thing.

 He tries to tell Kelly that Kyle doesn't actually like her. Steve might look OK in purple, but boy, does he look horrible in jealousy. Ouch.

 

Brenda, Ol' Twatty and Donna are holed up in class. The summer school teach says, " Brenda, you really understand Ophelia!" She turns to Ol' Twatty and says, "That's because I'm sharing a bathroom with Hamlet." Ooooohhhhh.

 

After class, Donna and David practice their scene.

 Donna exclaims, "You're the worst Romeo I've ever seen. You stink at this!" She then storms off. David yells after her, "Parting is such sweet sorrow."

 

Brenda comes home to find Dylan laid up on the couch.

 She asks if she can get him anything. He asks for a soda, sandwiches, an apple, a blanket, and a book. Brenda asks, "Will that be all?" Dylan responds, "Just one more thing - YOU!" 

 He needs to get rid of his couch boner so he plants another one on her. Brenda says, "The hardest thing I had to do was try to stay away from you." Before they get too hot and heavy, Jim walks in on the fun.

 Jim yells, "You take advantage of our hospitality and my daughter!"

 Couch boner deflated.

 

Later that night, Kelly goes out on her date with Kyle. He tells her how she's the "hottest girl at West Bev." To spice up the date, Kelly runs into the ocean, but Kyle doesn't join her.

 Kelly demands a towel and then says, "There's a lot we can do on dry land" and then tries to kiss him. Kyle stops her saying, "Sorry, Kelly. I'm not into this." Kelly feels like a fool and insists on going home. No one denies Kelly Taylor.

 Dylan doesn't feel welcome at Casa de Walsh after being berated by Jim. He leaves in the middle of the night, but first tucks Brenda in and leaves a note on her bed stand.

  Brenda wakes up the next morning and sees the note that adorably says, "Read Me!"

 After reading the note, Brenda storms downstairs and yells, "I hope you're satisfied." Jim apologizes. Brenda then apologizes too saying, "I'm sorry for having a father that is such a jerk."

 Over at the beach, Steve jogs up to Kyle and presses about his date with Kelly.

 Kyle doesn't kiss (at all) and tell.

 

While jogging, Kyle also runs into Kelly saying, "Kelly, please let's talk." Kelly isn't having it. Like I said, no one denies Kelly Taylor.

 

Steve assumes he put the moves on her and gives him this icy glare as Kyle jogs off, but only after he says something shitty to Kelly to imply that she's loose with her ways. Kelly tells Steve to get lost.

 In order to raise that GPA of hers, Donna and David still have to do their scene. David finds Donna soaking up some rays.

David says that Donna has to apologize and admit that she's just as bad as he is because he has a crazy idea that might just get them an A on their scene. Donna apologizes and admits that she's just as shitty of an actor.

 

Back at Casa de Walsh, Brenda is looking for Dylan. Cindy mentions that Dylan was supposed to spend the summer in Hawaii with his mom and was scheduled to fly out the day of the accident.

 Inquisitive Brandon HAS to find his friend, but how will he find him.

 

Dylan goes to the Beach Club and breaks into Cabana 7 by picking the lock.

 With his baja jacket acting as a blanket, Dylan curls up on the couch and starts to dream. There is a boy playing with trucks in his dream.

 This same boy is then playing in the ocean with his dad as the dad says, "I'll always be there for you. I'll never let you fall."

 Turns out that this boy is Dylan and these are his memories that make him crawl into the fetal position and cry next to a giant flame that could easily spread, just like his pain.

 The next morning, Brandon is picking up trash and sees that Cabana 7 is ajar. He finds Dylan.

 Brandon, again, asks Dylan if he is OK. Dylan shows Brandon a secret in the closet. NO! Not that kind of secret.

 It's a height chart from when Dylan was 6. Cabana 7 used to be Dylan's Cabana before his parents got divorced. 

 

Brandon mentions that he knows that he was supposed to see his mom while finishing up his trash duty.

 Dylan says that the last person he wants to see is his mom because she was too busy finding herself to care about him.

 

Still butthurt about getting dissed by Kyle, Kelly ignores him on the beach. Kyle is persistent and says that he didn't mean to insult her or embarrass her.

 Kyle says that she's not his type, but that he wants to be friends. After some nudging, Kelly agrees.

 

Meanwhile, there's a load full of drama happening at Casa de Walsh. Jim is yelling at Brenda about how to properly load a dishwasher. Brenda shouts, "I know how to load a dishwasher!"

 Jim says, "There's a right way and a wrong way." Brenda interrupts, "And the Walsh way!" Then she asks why he had to kick Dylan out. You see, this wasn't a fight about how to load a dishwasher after all.

 Over tears, Jim explains that Brenda isn't his little girl anymore.

 Aw, this is actually a really sweet moment between these two. It's not Dylan who is the problem, it's Jim's attachment issues.

 

While the tears soak up, we're back to the Beach Club again. Steve's jealousy flares up and he puffs his chest at Kyle and Kelly's new relationship saying, "You can't make it with Kelly Taylor?"

 

Kyle tackles Steve to ground threatening Steve to never talk about Kelly like that.

 Kelly retorts, "I was with Kyle last night and he was wonderful in every way possible."

 Concurrently, Donna and David are trying to get an A, but hold up! This scene has a twist.

 David is Juliet and Donna is Romeo.

 The class goes wild. What a concept!

 Summer teach was entertained, but said that they took the easy route and that they will have to do it "straight" next week.

 Next, Kelly and Kyle take a stroll on the beach. Kyle admits that he has never slept with a girl before. Kelly says it's OK that he's a virgin. He has a further truth that he's not sure if he even wants to sleep with a girl.

 Heyyyyy Duuuuddde. Kyle's gay? How progressive for a 90s teen drama.

 Well, he's not gay per se, just really confused. Kyle explains, "I wish I would've been attracted to you. My life would be easier." Kelly is OK with being his test because then he says that he had to test his sexuality with the "most beautiful girl on the beach." No one (completely) denies Kelly Taylor. 

 

Not main character #2 plotline done. Now to complete not main character #1 plotline.

 

Brandon tells Dylan that he has to come back to Casa de walsh or Brenda will never ever ever ever ever ever forgive him.

 

Dylan goes back to Casa de Walsh where Dyl and Jim have a heart-to-heart. Jim fills in as a Father Figure saying that Dylan is welcome to stay until he figures things out.

 Moonlighting over cool sideburns, Dylan asks Jim why he isn't good enough. Jim explains, "I'm used to being the only man in Brenda's life. Nobody would be good enough for Brenda." Dylan presses it by saying, You know? Girls look for guys who remind them of their dad." Don't press it too much, bud!

 

The episode closes with Dylan writing a letter to his dad.

 He signs it, "Your Loving Son, Dylan."

 

Brenda walks in and tells Dylan, "Good night."

 Dylan replies, "Sleep well." 

 The screen goes black. Correction, the screen goes Charles Rosin. The end.

 

What will come of the dreamboat in the tank top and the vixen in the silky robe? Only time and trips to Paris will tell. And will Dylan reconcile with his father? Only a replacement actor and lost hope storyline will tell. 'Til next time.

 

 

 

 

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