Happy Whoa!day! "Beverly Hills, 90210!"

October 5, 2016

 

 26 years and one day ago, the best TV show in the history of TV shows aired for the very first time and that show is "Beverly Hills, 90210." Sure, this is up for debate, but this is my website dedicated to "Beverly Hills, 90210," not your website dedicated to "Beverly Hills, 90210." That's a quote from "Dirty Dancing" or something.

 

To celebrate, I wrangled up 26 favorite moments from the 10-year run. I could go on and on, but limited myself to the moments that have stuck with me the most. These are in no particular order. Let's reminisce together.

 

1. The intro to my love, Dylan McKay.

 Don't worry fictional character, Brenda, I, real-life person like his butt, er bike too.

 

2. Slumber Party episode

 In episode 13 in Season 1, the girls have a slumber party at Casa de Walsh. Kelly invites one episoder, Amanda Pacer who is a real twat. She coerces the girls to play a game called Skeletons in the Closet and makes Kelly reveal tales of date rape. It's later discovered in the episode that Amanda is so twatty because she's strung out on diet pills. This is also the episode where Steve's car is stolen and we discover his sweet vanity plate, 18A4RE.

 

3. Jackie Taylor does all of the coke!

 During Season 1, we meet Jackie Taylor, Kelly's mom. At first, Brenda thinks that Jackie is the coolest mom, but later at the Mother/Daughter charity fashion show, we learn that not all is right at the Taylor abode. In fact, Jackie is far from perfect with her alcohol and cocaine abuse problems. Jackie ruins Kelly's life at the fashion show by doing all of the coke where Cindy Walsh discovers her. Brenda realizes that even though her mom might not have Jackie's hip fashion sense, Cindy isn't all that bad because she doesn't do coke at charity-related events where all of her friends are going to be. The other side of the coke spoon is always shinier.

 

4. Donna Martin Graduates

 Donna Martin gets tanked at the Senior dance and almost fails out of West Bev, but rest assured, the gang (and whole school) has her back. Together, the class of '93 sticks by Donna saying that if Donna Martin doesn't graduate, then neither do they.

 

All together now, "Donna Martin graduates. Donna Martin graduates. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES."

 

5. Spring Dance

 This episode is big. During this episode, Kelly takes Spring Princess twattiness to a whole new level and gets the same dress as Brenda after she said it was tacky, Brenda and Dylan do it, like really do it, Andrea has a horribly awesome dream sequence about murdering the gang, we find out that Steve is adopted and also discover that David can muthafuckin' dance.

 6. Color Me Badd

 Later in Season 2, we find out that Felice Martin (Donna's mom) isn't as much of a saint as she lets on. Brenda, Kelly and Donna go to the Bel Age hotel to try and meet the 90s band, Color Me Badd that told us how they wanted to sex everybody up. While trying to meet the band, Donna finds her mom with a man that's not her father. Ooooohhhh. This is called character building. Then at the end of the episode, Kelly makes the band sing for their dinner at the Peach Pit.

 

7. Anything involving Emily Valentine

 Whether she's singing "Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do" on the West Bev quad, drugging Brandon with U4EA or about to torch a homecoming float, Emily Valentine is the best thing to come out of Beverly Hills, 90210. Give me Emily Valentine or no Season 2 at all. No, that's not true, but seriously, try to fight me on this one. As Emily and Brandon would say together if you don't agree with me, "Don't go away mad, just go away." She's the best.

 

8. Brenda does Paris, Dylan does Kelly

 When Brenda goes to Paris with Donna over the summer at the end of Season 2/beginning of Season 3, things really get a brewin' both overseas and in the 9-OH! While Brenda is busy going by the name of Brenda DuBois with a shitty French accent, she fools a young Superman, Dean Cain playing the character Riiiiiiiiiique. Meanwhile, Dylan is busy, well, getting busy with Kelly. Awwwww, shit. This is what you call a stellar plotline and a lifetime of instilling trust issues with men in young girls who watched the show growing up.

 9. Andrea gets hit by a car

 In the midst of Season 3, Ol' Twatty, Andrea Zuckerman conquered sexism at The Blaze and nightmares of crossing a tightrope which was a big ol' metaphor for making it into the right college, but boy, that tightrope was the least of her nightmares when she became involved in a hit and run. 

 

It's OK, her Eastlands remained intact, as well as her Ol' Twattiness.

 

10. A B-Character Dies

 Sadly in Season 2, we lose a character we really didn't get to know. As David Silver became one of the gang over the years instead of the annoying, gross step brother to Kelly, he lost sight of his O.G. friends. One of those friends was Scott Scanlon. Rumor has it that the actor who played Scott Scanlon, Douglas Emerson, didn't want to act anymore, so they wrote him off the show by letting him shoot himself to bits.

 

You see, Scott wasn't as cool or growing up as fast as the other kids at West Bev. David was interested in fingering Donna since she wouldn't go further than whatever base fingering is and Scott was still having child-themed birthday parties thrown by his overprotective mother. Scott liked guns and twirling them around, so much so, that he accidentally shot himself at his own birthday party. Wah, wah.

 

11. Kelly's Witch Costume

 Oh, hey, Kelly. In Season 2, the gang goes to a Halloween party where Brenda and Dylan dress up as Bonnie & Clyde and Donna in yet another ridiculous wardrobe choice over the years, dresses as a mermaid and can't move around very well. Those costumes don't matter, though. Kelly's costume matters. She's a witch. A good witch. Her costume turns some heads as well as some rapist's heads. Kelly finds herself in a pretty terrible situation, but the gang rescues her. This is the classic case of "She shouldn't be wearing that/You shouldn't be a frickin' rapist." The rapist says "Tomato," I say, "That ain't right!"

 

12. Jack McKay Dies (Or Does He?)

 Over the years, Dylan had a tumultuous relationship with his father, Jack McKay. I mean, with the indictments, broken family, and more, who could blame Dylan for being so torn in life. In Season 3, Dylan starts to bond more with his dad, but it's too late because Jack starts his car which sets off a bomb that kills him. Or does it? 

 

Seasons go on and Dylan becomes more upset and lost over his dad's passing, but later in the series, we find out the death in Season 3 just might not be true. By that, I mean a reoccurring role for Josh Taylor who played Jack McKay beyond Season 3. And he didn't play a ghost either. OK, this whole post is spoiler ridden, Jack faked his death in Season 3, but still left years of turmoil for his son. You can't spell daddy issues without J-A-C-K M-C-K-A-Y.

 

13. David on Crank

 

 College can be tough with classes, new apartments with girlfriends out of wedlock, and radio jobs during the graveyard shift. It's only natural to take uppers (or Crank as the BH crew calls it) from your manager at your radio job like young David Silver did. He just couldn't stay up during that hectic schedule so he took drugs. A lot of drugs. During his phase with meth, he lost his little sister at the park almost ruining everyone's lives. Good thing for David, this gang has been through so much that at this point, they needed another substance abuse plotline and were there for him to turn him straight.

 

14. As one main character leaves, another main character enters.

 

At the end of Season 4, we bid adieu to Brenda Walsh as she leaves to study acting in London. To fill her spot in Season 5, the gang begrudgingly welcomes Walsh family friend, Valerie Malone played by Tiffani Thiessen from "Saved By the Bell" fame. When Valerie arrives, the gang quickly realizes that Valerie is not as innocent as she leads on. In fact, she's a man eater and pot connoisseur. Val quickly takes the reigns as the new bad girl in everyone's favorite zip code ripping through men like Steve, Dylan and Ray Pruit (more about him later). She has an ongoing hate/hate relationship with Kelly throughout the series and later shows her business savvy side as the owner of the Peach Pit After Dark.

 

15. Kelly Chooses Herself

Over the years, Kelly ping-ponged her affection between Brandon and Dylan. At the end of Season 5, Dylan offered to take Kelly on a trip around the world while Brandon counteracted with a marriage proposal. In maybe one of Kelly's greatest/cheesiest moments, she decided to get to know herself a little bit more and rejected both of the fellers by choosing herself.

 

16. David Gets Lucky

 In Season 4, David finally catches his big break. He plays with Babyface at a college Mardi Gras celebration and loses his virginity. The problem is that he lost his virginity to side-character Ariel Hunter played by Kari Wuhrer from MTV's "Remote Control" while still dating Donna Martin. Donna catches the two in the act and David apologizes by saying that he had to have sex with her because it was right in front of him. I'm pretty sure he simply got sick of all of the dry handies.

 

17. Brandon's Extracurricular Affairs

 

 Brandon has always been studious and willing to lend an extra hand. In Season 4, he develops a relationship with his Professor Corey Randall who assigned him to tutor basketball star, D'Shawn. During this time, Brandon also developed a very flirtatious relationship with a feisty older woman named Lucinda Nicholson. He found out the hard way that Lucinda was married to Professor Randall creating quite the feud. While Brandon gets an A for effort, he gets a big ol' F for not keeping it in his Bugle Boys.

 

18. Kelly does all of the coke.

 After being on the air for over 5 seasons, you would think that "Beverly Hills, 90210" would run out of couch-grabbing plotlines. Nope, during Season 6, Kelly starts dating Colin Robbins, an artist friend of Valerie's with a coke problem. Kelly didn't indulge in the white lines until her dad, Bill Taylor promised to move back to L.A. to mend their relationship and then didn't follow through. Instead he left her a check to buy her love... again. Kelly gave her a dad a big ol' "F. You!" and rolled up that check and snorted all of the coke throwing out all of the problems she had with her own mother's addiction. Kelly developed a crazy coke habit for a few episodes and spent all of her dad's money going out to super expensive dinners and buying the gang gifts. She went to rehab shortly after to nip that whole coke problem in the bud.

 

19. How Do You Talk to a Domestic Abuser?

 It's like trying to catch a falling star when you're in a horrible no good relationship with an insecure, handsome Carpenter. That's how the song goes by the Heights which is fronted by crooner, Ray Pruit portrayed by Jamie Walters. In Season 5, Donna develops feelings for this sullen man from the other side of the tracks. The problem is that Ray doesn't feel like he fits in with the rest of the gang because he's poor. After all, his mom can only afford one T for their last name. While dating, Ray shows signs of domestic abuse by pushing Donna against a wall and then later down some stairs. Ray abuses Donna even more by cheating on her with Valerie because Donna's waiting for marriage. Poor Donna. Thankfully, she puts his charming looks aside and eventually breaks up with him.

 

20. Dylan keeps it clean with the Noxzema girl

 Dylan is still reeling from the death of his father during Season 6. He suspects that there is foul play and investigates a man named Anthony Marchette's involvement with his father. While getting closer to the truth behind Anthony Marchette, he befriends his daughter Antonia (Toni) Marchette. Over the season, he develops real feelings for her and they get married. Sadly their marriage doesn't last very long because in the same episode she is shot by a hit man who thinks it's Dylan in the car. 

 

21. Tara White Female

 Season 6 was big. As we learned, there were drug addictions, marriages and deaths as well as rehab stints due to drug addictions. After Kelly did all of the coke, she went to rehab and met a girl named Tara Marks. Kelly was still really raw with emotions, but wanted to help this young girl. Tara didn't want Kelly to talk to anyone but her. She sabotaged potential relationships by sending both Kelly and her beau, Greg Meyer flowers from each other saying that they wanted to end the relationship. Tara later cut her hair to look exactly like Kelly, made a pass at Brandon and kidnapped her at gunpoint. She wanted the two of them to be together forever so she tried to kill both of them with carbon monoxide poisoning. Considering this was only season 6 and there were 4 more to go, Kelly survived.

 

22. Peach Pit After Dark

 If there's one thing that "Beverly Hills, 90210" brought us it was talented musical acts at the Peach Pit After Dark. This club was all about variety. The Cardigans were there, Brian McKnight, Powerman 5000, The Cramps, Maroon 5 before they were called Maroon 5, Luther Vandross and more. Val ran a tight ship and gave the people what they wanted. Nice work, Val.

 

23. Put that in your "pot pipe" and smoke it!

 Not only did the Peach Pit After Dark provide a fantastic ground for new music, but it sure was a good place to overdose. In Season 7, Steve befriended a guy named Dick Harrison who he would play basketball with. Steve and Dick weren't friends at first as they both had their sites set on Clare, but over time they let their love of hoops prevail. Unfortunately, Dick also let his love of marijuana and other drugs prevail as well. Dick OD'd at the Peach Pit After Dark causing Steve to break a bong that someone put outside for Dick's memorial. Dick was more than that bong, man. He was Steve's friend.

 

24. Donna's held hostage

 "Beverly Hills, 90210" never failed to bring the high stakes drama from drug addictions, love triangles, er, love hexagons, deaths, domestic abusers, and more. In Season 7, Donna was hosting her college news program and with that came a stalker. He sent her flowers, cards and rats because he knew deep down that she liked the attention. They put a face to the stalker when he held Donna and Brandon hostage on air.

 

25. D in the D

 At the end of Season 7, Donna finally gave David what he's been waiting for forever, her vagina. Now Donna didn't only graduate from high school and college, but now she graduated vaginally too. They had sex next to a menorah and nothing was the same. David was just happy to graduate from dry handies.

 

26. Have a good time all of the time.

 Remember earlier when I said that Emily Valentine was the best thing to come out of "Beverly Hills, 90210?" Well, I really meant it. Without that character, my favorite line from any TV show or movie wouldn't have been muttered the same. During Season 2, the writers of "Beverly Hills, 90210" were really hitting the G-spot by throwing out the word "Gynecologist" left and right. They said it so many times in the Season 2 opener when Brenda had her pregnancy scare and then later when Emily Valentine started to roam the West Bev halls. All together now, "HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THE GYNECOLOGIST."

 

Ah, that brings us to 26 great things that "Beverly Hills, 90210" has brought to the world. Here's to another 26 more. Happy frickin' birthday!

 

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