Give Your Mom A Call This Weekend (And Thank Her for not Being Felice)

Two weeks ago at the Riverdale Convention in Rosemont, IL, I went to the hotel across the street and started swooning over the Day 2 fancy pic I got with Luke Perry.

 As I was gushing, a man at the bar told me about how his friend lives, eats (he attempted to make a MegaBurger once) and breathes Beverly Hills, 90210. We got in touch and started diving deep into the 9-oh. Keep your eyes peeled!

 

With Mother's Day, it's hard not to think about what everyday life would be like if your very own mother were one of the terrible parental influences from everyone's favorite zip code. Please welcome new Whoa!-er, Jeff Taylor (no relation to Jackie or Kelly or even Bill) and his thoughts on too much drama for your mama.

 

Jeff Taylor's, "Give Your Mom a Call This Weekend (And Thank Her for not Being Felice):

 

Let’s get this out of the way right up front. The parents of 90210 are all, universally, pretty horrible people. Jackie was neglectful and hooked on multiple substances. She also had terrible taste in men. Bill Taylor had an entire second family, which he also neglected, and then he made Kelly do cocaine. Mel Silver, DDS, was a serial philanderer. Samantha Sanders used her son to further her career, Rush Sanders secretly adopted his own son and then didn’t bother to tell him about it. Iris McKay lived in a tree and only came to town to be a shitty mom. Jack McKay went to prison, then died, but didn’t die. Jim played an electric organ much too loud with Monsieur Rick. Jim and Cindy couldn’t parent Brenda so they gave her a trip to Paris where she started smoking and probably developed lung cancer later in life. Abby Malone let Val get abused. Victor Malone did the abusing. Sheila Silver, mental health problems notwithstanding was far too firm on how to cook a turkey. Arnold Arnold had the same first and last name for God’s sake. Dr. John Martin had a child with his sister’s wife, Bobbi, who was stole all of her daughter’s very believable ice skating money. Noah’s dad killed Laura Palmer, then himself. Luann Pruit was horrible drunk. Andrea’s parents were poor, ugh, gross.

But Felice Martin was the worst. So, call your mom this weekend and thank her for not doing any of the following horrible things to you.

 

                                               Felice Martin played by Katherine Cannon


1. Preventing you from meeting Color Me Badd because she was having an affair right in front of you.
2. Single-handedly increasing the odds of West Beverly teen pregnancy by fighting for abstinence only education.
3. Making you genetically pre-disposed to want to be a Rose Princess.
4. Trying to pay off your rock star boyfriend to leave you on your birthday.
5. Deciding she liked your rock star boyfriend the same day he shoved you down some stairs.
6. Being so racist, she stopped you from dating the only black guy you ever talked to.
7. Coming to your bachelorette party
8. Not having enough clout to get you out of getting fall down drunk at your prom
9. Encouraging you to become a Houston Debutante and learning the Texas Dip
10. Laying such a guilt trip on you about sex that you hold out ridiculously long all because she herself was so into a freaky sex scene that involved letting her husband nail her sister, having an affair, and getting knocked up in college.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there who are so much better than Felice Martin.

 

Meet Jeff Taylor!

Jeff has watched more 90210 than is recommended, but he did it out of love. Love for David’s music career. Love for Mondale. Love for 21st birthday parties, thrown by a prince, set on a boat, featuring the Goo Goo Dolls, and disrupted by Paulie Shore.

 

He’s on Twitter @brothershamus

 

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